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August 6, 2008
And Now a Word from Catherine Zeta-Jones [Dan Collins]
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Comment by N. O'Brain on 8/6 @ 11:22 am #
GITMO!
I wish.
Comment by kelly on 8/6 @ 11:26 am #
Babelicious. She should be in the movies or something.
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 11:27 am #
Just look at what she’s wearing. It’s a subliminal Obama advertisement.
Comment by kelly on 8/6 @ 11:30 am #
Just so, thor. I can see part of a boob.
Comment by kelly on 8/6 @ 11:32 am #
At least she has “qualifications.” Something O! rather lacks.
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 11:33 am #
Born perky, perky as her boobs show, perky as the grass grows…
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 11:38 am #
Oh, yeah, I forgot, Obama is black. He’s not qualified to be President. Unlike George Bush in 2000, who is white and therefore more-but-less qualified.
Less so is moreso.
Comment by JD on 8/6 @ 11:39 am #
Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
BOOBIES !!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by JD on 8/6 @ 11:40 am #
Oh, yeah, I forgot, Obama is black. He’s not qualified to be President.
Only in your world. In the real world, his lack of qualifications has nothing to do with his skin color.
Racist
Comment by Jeff G. on 8/6 @ 11:41 am #
Wait, Obama is black?
Has he told anyone?
Comment by mojo on 8/6 @ 11:42 am #
They’re trying the Welsh Bits now?
Comment by JD on 8/6 @ 11:44 am #
He may have mentioned it once or twice, Jeff. He is subtle like that. Actually, he has noted that 12 times less than Kerry pointed out that he served in VietNam.
Comment by Silver Whistle on 8/6 @ 11:44 am #
Only the Welsh rare bits.
Comment by SevenEleventy on 8/6 @ 11:46 am #
Has he told anyone?
I think it was in one of his policy speeches.
Comment by kelly on 8/6 @ 11:52 am #
Wry, SW. Wry. I gather from your comments you hail from across the pond?
Comment by Jeff G. on 8/6 @ 11:52 am #
Just to preempt thor (and this is what Karl should have done, in my opinion), let’s make a list of blacks (and I mean ACTUAL blacks, not those with white mothers — I kid!) we’d be happy to vote for as President over McCain.
1) Pam Grier
2) Condi Rice
3) Michael Steele
4) Chris Tucker
5) Dule Hill
6) Any living member of Run DMC
7) Eminem
Comment by sashal on 8/6 @ 11:53 am #
I hate Michael Douglas
Comment by SmokeVanThorn on 8/6 @ 11:53 am #
Isn’t “thor” really “sore” said with a lisp?
Comment by lee on 8/6 @ 11:55 am #
Technically, Obama is half black.
America isn’t ready for a real black president.
Racists.
Comment by McGehee on 8/6 @ 11:56 am #
I’d go along with #5 if Maggie Lawson is his running mate.
Comment by McGehee on 8/6 @ 11:56 am #
Er, #5 in Jeff’s list at Comment #16, that is…
Comment by kelly on 8/6 @ 12:00 pm #
O!’s half black, thor. Why wouldn’t he point that out every now and then? Seems strange, huh? His “blackness” is all he’s got. The R nominee in ‘00 had spent a little time in the role of a governor of a pretty large state as I recall.
Comment by The Lost Dog on 8/6 @ 12:03 pm #
thor -
Always good to hear from you. Otherwise I might believe that the left was serious.
Thanks for making it perfectly clear that they are not.
Poah widdle tewowists!
Comment by kelly on 8/6 @ 12:04 pm #
Michael Jordan has more quals than O!, IMO.
Comment by Dan Collins on 8/6 @ 12:04 pm #
Would you please post some version of your last comment, Jeff? That’s just the sort of thing this PW place needs, IMHO.
Comment by Jeff G. on 8/6 @ 12:05 pm #
8. Eddie Murray
9. Chris Mullen
Comment by Roland THTG on 8/6 @ 12:06 pm #
I’d vote for CZJ if she was nekkid, but that wasn’t on the list.
Comment by Silver Whistle on 8/6 @ 12:12 pm #
kelly,
You have me, sir. I am unmasked.
Comment by Mr. Pink on 8/6 @ 12:14 pm #
I would vote for Eddie Murphy in the pre-Disney movie stage of his career.
Comment by dicentra on 8/6 @ 12:14 pm #
If someone gave me the opportunity to switch bodies with someone, it would be CZJ in Mask of Zorro. Or Audrey Hepburn in the “coming out” scene in My Fair Lady.
Jeff, you forgot one:
10. David Palmer: post-Sherry, of course.
Comment by Minister Jack X Klompus Africa-Muhammad Ali Shabazz on 8/6 @ 12:15 pm #
1. Thomas Sowell
2. Michael Steele
3. Darryl Dawkins
4. Bootsy Collins
5. Walter Williams
6. Eartha Kitt
Comment by SevenEleventy on 8/6 @ 12:19 pm #
Etta James
Comment by Mr. Pink on 8/6 @ 12:20 pm #
I see your Michael Steele and raise you one Grace Jones.
Comment by Silver Whistle on 8/6 @ 12:23 pm #
Buddy Guy.
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 12:28 pm #
Condi is a crypto-Marxist, speaks Russian through the gap in her teeth. She stole Terry Fox’s leg. She wrote several scandalous roman-a-clefs that embarrassed capitalists worldwide. She orders buffalo wings and takes the bones home to her cat. Tells her cat, “beauty won’t save the world! The NKVD will!” Purge your delicate fears! She calls chicken salad chicken slaw! Steals bones! Whispers to her cat, “there, there Little Bones, don’t worry one day I’ll carve whole nations up!” She lives decadently, drinks highballs, orders Secret Service men to give her a light and smokes two-packs a day. Eats her chicken slaw and tells Little Bones Russian mythes that just happen to be true, “it’s alright, Li’l Bones, I’ll give whiteys all teh tableau vivants they want, I’m black, at the worst time.”
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 12:29 pm #
Juan Williams, now that hes been tagged a “house negro” - perfect in your face to the sickular Permissives.
Comment by Sdferr on 8/6 @ 12:29 pm #
Art Monk
Darryl Green
Shelby Steele
Comment by Silver Whistle on 8/6 @ 12:29 pm #
Condi sounds great! I’m going to write her in on my ballot.
Comment by Obstreperous Infidel on 8/6 @ 12:31 pm #
John McWhorter.
Obie Trice.
Comment by Mr. Pink on 8/6 @ 12:31 pm #
Doug Williams
Comment by Obstreperous Infidel on 8/6 @ 12:33 pm #
Every member of NWA. Even Eazy-E.
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 12:34 pm #
- thor is a pathetic wannabe Marxist - speaks pigeon Russian through the hole in his ass - is jealous of Condi Rice because she gets more pussy in a day than he gets in 5 years.
Comment by Great Banana on 8/6 @ 12:34 pm #
Mr. T
Comment by Minister Jack X Klompus Africa-Muhammad Ali Shabazz on 8/6 @ 12:35 pm #
I nominate all the great “the black guy” guys from bands: Big Country, Simple Minds, Culture Club,
HR from the Bad Brains and the rest of the band can be in his cabinet, Darius Rucker is disqualified.
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 12:35 pm #
I’d vote for Dan Collins if he didn’t hate black people.
Comment by Dan Collins on 8/6 @ 12:36 pm #
I think Bootsy would be cooler, thor. But thanks!
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 12:37 pm #
Hehehehe.
Comment by Minister Jack X Klompus Africa-Muhammad Ali Shabazz on 8/6 @ 12:37 pm #
42. Aw but dude don’t you know in between crafting painfully unfunny pretentious rants he BANGS A RUSSIAN BROAD??!!!! Ah what would you know you never LIVED IN RUSSIA!!!!!!!! THAT’S RIGHT YOU FUCKING HEARD FUCKIN ME HE FUCKIN LIVED IN RUSSIA YOU KNOW NOTHING!!!!!!!!1
Comment by SevenEleventy on 8/6 @ 12:39 pm #
George Foreman
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 12:39 pm #
- I’d vote for thor if he didn’t hate himself.
Comment by Sdferr on 8/6 @ 12:40 pm #
Hollywood Henderson
Comment by Great Banana on 8/6 @ 12:40 pm #
thor,
Quick question.
Let’s assume that Dan does, in fact, hate black people. How - in your mind - does that prove any argument that Dan has made wrong?
That’s what I never understand about libs. They think that screaming “racist” is somehow an argument, or that doing so somehow proves that they are right.
Even if you somehow found evidence that President Reagan was a total and complete racist, it would not in any way refute that he was right about most everything and that most of his policies were the correct policies.
So, in the end, what is the point. Even if Dan were racist (which I don’t for a minute believe), it would not make O! more qualified. It would not make 0! smarter. It would not make 0! more experienced. It would not erase O’s associations with racists/terrorits. It would not change the fact that 0! has flipped and flopped on every issue. And it would not change that nobody has any idea what O! allegedly stands for.
So, what is your point again?
Comment by Dan Collins on 8/6 @ 12:41 pm #
Oh, geez. I’ve got nothing against thor banging Russian broads, but can we let that go now?
Send pics, thor.
Comment by Obstreperous Infidel on 8/6 @ 12:41 pm #
Lebron James.
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 12:42 pm #
- “hehehe” is effeminate thor….Are you banging your Pushka, or doing her hair and nails?
Comment by SevenEleventy on 8/6 @ 12:43 pm #
Gary Coleman
Too bad Rick James died!
Comment by BJTexs on 8/6 @ 12:43 pm #
J.C. Watts
Bill Cosby
Bernie Mac
Borat (I keed)
First on my list? Dave Chappelle (think about it)
Comment by serr8d on 8/6 @ 12:44 pm #
John McCain should be on his hands and knees begging Colin Powell to run on his ticket.
Before BHO does, of course.
Comment by N. O'Brain on 8/6 @ 12:46 pm #
“thor,
Quick question.
Let’s assume that Dan does, in fact, hate black people. How - in your mind - does that prove any argument that Dan has made wrong?
That’s what I never understand about libs. They think that screaming “racist†is somehow an argument, or that doing so somehow proves that they are right.”
The reactionary left fascist doesn’t care about proving they are right, they just want to shut the opposition up.
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 12:47 pm #
Dan is never …wrong. He didn’t pay me to say that. He bought me a drink. Then we shared a monumental big-screen kiss, you know, one of those kisses that lasts forever, or at least until the final credits.
So, what was your question again?
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 12:48 pm #
- thor is already on his hands and knees, begging O! to make his dreams come true.
Comment by Dan Collins on 8/6 @ 12:48 pm #
I would really dig having Bootsy in the White House. I’d love the press conferences.
Comment by Trimegistus on 8/6 @ 12:49 pm #
Industries Barack Hussein Obama has pledged to destroy or drive overseas:
1. Health care
2. Pharmaceutical
3. Energy
. . . but we can all work in the fields to grow corn for ethanol so Al Gore can fly to climate conferences, so it’s good.
Comment by Education Guy on 8/6 @ 12:49 pm #
Emmit Smith
Thurman Thomas (VP)
Comment by Roland THTG on 8/6 @ 12:51 pm #
Comment by SevenEleventy on 8/6 @ 12:39 pm #
George Foreman
Which one? I think there about 5 or seven of them.
Joe Leiberman
http://patriotpost.us/news/images/Clinton_Lieberman.gif
Comment by maggie katzen on 8/6 @ 12:51 pm #
Nipsey Russell
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 12:53 pm #
- Whoppi G., back in the days when she was banging Ted, before she got bit by Robins Marxist trouser snake.
Comment by Education Guy on 8/6 @ 12:53 pm #
I’m pretty sure Dave Chappelle already lives in DC, so the moving costs would be lower. Plus the short move will help Mother Earth.
Comment by Darleen on 8/6 @ 12:56 pm #
#63 Trim
we can all work in the fields to grow corn for ethanol so Al Gore can fly to climate conferences,
Don’t you mean his Houseboat: BS1?
Comment by Education Guy on 8/6 @ 12:56 pm #
All living members of the Temptations or George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic
Lionel Richie
Comment by Sdferr on 8/6 @ 12:56 pm #
Duane Thomas
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 12:58 pm #
White women Barack Hussien Obama has destroyed:
1. Hillary Clinton
2. His Grandmother
3. Rosemary’s Baby
4. Little Red Riding Hood
Comment by Education Guy on 8/6 @ 12:59 pm #
Tay Zonday
But only if he is willing to forgo Hail to the Chief for Chocolate Rain
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 1:00 pm #
- LaDainian Tomlinson - He could just rush the 2100 miles to DC.
Comment by sashal on 8/6 @ 1:00 pm #
speaking about banging Russian girls, I respect thor experience, but, thor…
have you had the 6′2 tall member of the national volleyball team? Or the acrobat from the circus? Or the horny female officer from the road police-GAI? Or the ballerina from Bolshoi? Or the receptionists and key holders in the multitude of the small town hotels? Or your doctor therapist, when she came with the house visit ? Or the secretary of your boss, in between the days when he was not doing her…..etc,etc
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 1:01 pm #
Rayfield Wright.
Comment by sashal on 8/6 @ 1:03 pm #
Obama
Comment by JHoward on 8/6 @ 1:03 pm #
Who’s dreams, BBH?
And, Miles Davis. At this point, by a committee I guess, so you tell me.
Comment by Minister Jack X Klompus Africa-Muhammad Ali Shabazz on 8/6 @ 1:05 pm #
Chappelle spends most of his time on his spread in rural Ohio. His father was a theater professor at the now defunct Antioch College.
How about Haywood “Duane” Nelson, Todd “Willis” Bridges, Shavar “Molested Dudley” Ross, and Bob “1.12 ERA” Gibson.
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 1:06 pm #
- JH - Heh, just heh.
Comment by SevenEleventy on 8/6 @ 1:08 pm #
Wayne Brady
Comment by The Sheep Nazi on 8/6 @ 1:09 pm #
Dennis Rodman
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 1:10 pm #
Pizdets sashal, we shared all the same dyevs. I’ll send over my medical file so your doctor will know exactly what to prescribe. Itching, swelling and burning? Me too. Doc will hook you up.
Burns
Comment by Education Guy on 8/6 @ 1:11 pm #
Jessica White
Mary J. Blige
Comment by Ouroboros on 8/6 @ 1:12 pm #
This question has probably already been covered someplace but if so I missed it..
Gitmo is a POW camp. The enemy combatants held at Gitmo are ostensibly prisoners of war and will someday be released when hostilities cease, correct?
The combatants that pursue a trial, get found guilty and get a fixed term sentence.. like 20 years or life or whatever.. does that override the eventual release they might normally expect as prisoners of war?
Comment by nikkolai on 8/6 @ 1:12 pm #
1. Al Green
2. Shane Battier
3. Vince Young
4. Thomas Sowell
Comment by Education Guy on 8/6 @ 1:13 pm #
Chappelle spends most of his time on his spread in rural Ohio.
Ah, my bad. I’ve run across him a couple of times in DC and so I assumed.
Comment by Education Guy on 8/6 @ 1:14 pm #
Lil’ Kim
Comment by Dan Collins on 8/6 @ 1:14 pm #
Ouroboros, that would require, in this case, al-Qaeda and its affiliates signing a surrender, don’t you think? Further, it would require somewhere willing to repatriate them to.
Comment by Sdferr on 8/6 @ 1:17 pm #
Ed “Too Tall” Jones
Jethro Pugh
Don Perkins
Cornell Green
Mel Renfro
Comment by Ouroboros on 8/6 @ 1:17 pm #
“…we’d be happy to vote for as President over McCain.”
I’d put Snoop Dogg on that list too.. since he did the CW song with Willy Nelson and all.. An homage to Johnny Cash, no less.
My Medicine
Comment by sashal on 8/6 @ 1:20 pm #
yep, thor, as long as one still breathes and can master half-erection or has a few openings in the body they all screw, bang and fuck each other…
Comment by kelly on 8/6 @ 1:21 pm #
Beyonce
Comment by Ouroboros on 8/6 @ 1:21 pm #
“…al-Qaeda and its affiliates signing a surrender”
How are they going to surrender if we keep blowing them all to little bits?
Any confirm on Ayman Zawahiri’s untimely demise yet?
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 1:22 pm #
Look’it, a-hole, if you want me to start bagging on your daughters, keep it up. I assure you you’ll wished you hadn’t gone down that road.
Comment by Sdferr on 8/6 @ 1:26 pm #
Robert Newhouse
Comment by sashal on 8/6 @ 1:27 pm #
Barak Obama
Comment by Cave Bear on 8/6 @ 1:30 pm #
What’s the matter, Hammer Boy? Did BBH hit a bit too close to home?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!11!11111!!!!!!!
EARL CAMPBELL
Comment by Education Guy on 8/6 @ 1:32 pm #
Judge Joe Brown
Comment by Sdferr on 8/6 @ 1:33 pm #
Earl gave his all. He gots no mo’.
Comment by Minister Jack X Klompus Africa-Muhammad Ali Shabazz on 8/6 @ 1:34 pm #
77. and 87. MAJOREST FAILAGE
Comment by Minister Jack X Klompus Africa-Muhammad Ali Shabazz on 8/6 @ 1:35 pm #
Hollywood Henderson lives in my neighborhood!
Comment by dicentra on 8/6 @ 1:40 pm #
Thurl Bailey
Karl Malone
Karl, he’s an honest-to-goodness redneck from the Arkansas backwoods what likes fishin’ and huntin’ and man, he’s ripped.
Comment by Clint on 8/6 @ 1:40 pm #
I second Beyonce.
Wait, what’s that? Oh! PresIDent! Never mind.
Patrick Ewing’s got some serious moves. Think about how those summits would go.
Comment by Education Guy on 8/6 @ 1:53 pm #
Fat Albert
Mushmouth (VP)
Comment by JD on 8/6 @ 1:59 pm #
Tiger Woods
Michael Jordan
Bob Sanders
That chick from the Cheetah Girls
Shaq - Tell me how my ass tastes
Dr. J
Kareem Jablunt
Gary Coleman
Jaleel White - Never mind, he is already running.
Comment by Rob Crawford on 8/6 @ 2:00 pm #
He’d carry southwest Ohio.
Seriously. He’s a native and pretty damned highly respected. He’s also a damned nice guy, from what I’ve heard. Another person who probably gets dismissed as “just an entertainer” but who has a good head and a solid heart.
Comment by dicentra on 8/6 @ 2:36 pm #
Look, I’m totally not kidding about Malone. Think I’madinnerjacket could stand up to THAT?
Comment by David R. Block on 8/6 @ 3:09 pm #
#45.
thor-azine,
Really, is calling everyone who posts here a “racist” your only consistent point? Seems to be.
GO. POUND. SAND.
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 3:41 pm #
- Heh, widdle thor got panicked when he couldn’t erase that “hehehe”. Now that hes outed, his Fabulousity for the O! crank is forever spotlighted. Maybe we should take up a collection and send him a years supply of Astroglideâ„¢.
Comment by bigbooner on 8/6 @ 3:57 pm #
Buckwheat.
Comment by Civilis on 8/6 @ 3:58 pm #
I say either Morgan Freeman or James Earl Jones. If you were some third world country, would you declare war on us if we had either one as president?
Comment by McGehee on 8/6 @ 4:00 pm #
The name sounds familiar but I can’t place it — what movies has she been in?
Comment by JD on 8/6 @ 4:09 pm #
I am with dicentra on this one. Karl Malone, with Charles Barkley as VP would be awesome.
Comment by JD on 8/6 @ 4:09 pm #
Just in case you forgot, you are all racists. My saying so, or your defense against same, are both proof of my assertion. Deal.
Comment by B Moe on 8/6 @ 4:13 pm #
Pat White
(Let’s Go! Mountaineers!)
Herman Caine
Hubert Sumlin
Carl Eller
Comment by Dan Collins on 8/6 @ 4:14 pm #
The Ghost of Reggie White.
Comment by Sdferr on 8/6 @ 4:15 pm #
I’ll go with Malone but Barkley stays home. Too flighty, that Barkley guy. And besides, have you ever seen him swing a golf club? Anyone with a swing like that shouldn’t be within miles of the nuclear football.
Comment by B Moe on 8/6 @ 4:16 pm #
Dammit, wrong Viking, I meant Alan Page
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Page
Comment by Sdferr on 8/6 @ 4:18 pm #
That’s a keeper BMoe. Damn. So many great Americans.
Comment by JD on 8/6 @ 4:21 pm #
Alan Page is strong.
Comment by poppa india on 8/6 @ 4:22 pm #
B.B. King. And he was seen wearing an American flag pin at some awards ceremony a few years ago, so that important issue would be settled.
Comment by B Moe on 8/6 @ 4:31 pm #
That is what pisses me off so bad about the current system - I would love to have the chance to vote for someone like Alan Page regardless of party, but intelligent folks don’t want the grief a national campaign brings. Something really needs to be done or we are well and truly fucked.
Comment by Mikey NTH on 8/6 @ 5:04 pm #
#52 Great Banana:
The proper response to thor’s charge against Dan (which he now must do since Karl isn’t here) is the one word reply -
Liar.
Oh, and add AoS’s classic response:
FYNQ.
Comment by Mikey NTH on 8/6 @ 5:06 pm #
In Re #53:
Unless the pics are of Babushkas of Death. Keep those to yourself. For the sake of Humanity.
Comment by Spies, Brigands, and Pirates on 8/6 @ 5:42 pm #
Thomas Sowell
In a just world, Sowell would’ve been elected President for two full terms.
Among the people who post here,
Lisa is both more qualified and more intelligent than Obama.
So is Juliette from Baldilocks.
Comment by Spies, Brigands, and Pirates on 8/6 @ 5:42 pm #
Closing tag. Shit.
Comment by Rob Crawford on 8/6 @ 6:24 pm #
The perfect black candidate just occurred to me. He’s more multi-racial than Obama, came from humble roots, and he’s known success and failure both.
Navin R. Johnson
That’s right, The Jerk.
Comment by slackjawedyokel on 8/6 @ 6:55 pm #
Bill “Bojangles” Robinson. He taught Shirley Temple Black everything she knew about diplomacy.
And tap dancing.
Comment by alppuccino on 8/6 @ 7:19 pm #
Scat Man Cruthers
“See, skibbity bow zow zay, if you, zazu zow, inflate your tires? hibbity bibbity, you’ll save, Oat doh deetin dow 3 or 4 percent!
Comment by alppuccino on 8/6 @ 7:21 pm #
writing scat is hard.
Comment by JHoward on 8/6 @ 8:39 pm #
So, right away with thor and the Afgani broads, is it? That’s some racially racist racism, racist.
Comment by buzz on 8/6 @ 8:46 pm #
Very nice. She still married to that dead guy?
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 9:43 pm #
Yeah, he did, as a matter of fact. Want to know how tough/stupid I am? The last guy who said something cute about my cute girlfriend got handcuffed and charged with felony assualt-intent with a deadly weapon, something like that, ask cynn for the proper verbiage.
The first time, many years ago, I had a gun pulled on me I had no thoughts of death when I looked at him. My demeanor surprised even me. And I’ve always wondered about that, the whys and whatfores of that.
Big construction worker, a union man - if you care, was still pissed at me over an earlier incident. He’d been drinking by the pool all day. Him and I never had any cross words other than that one time. Evidently he was living in a flashback moment, or showing off in front of my neighbor, Andy, and Andy’s girlfriend, who can really say. I let him run his mouth, knowing he was talking through his beer, and Andy was laughing about it, as Andre the Giants-types do. First floor Fat-boy stands 5′11″-6-foot, 250-lbs+, oversized head and hands and boyish face. “Russian whore-fucking” was the part I took acceptionto,seeing as I’d let him blow his steam off talking about how he’d beat my ass for several minutes, all proving I’m not easily provoked.
You’d think a dude that big who projected such tough-guy-ness would be a man and take his deserved beating as such. “Not so much,” as we like to say, was the case.
One accepts the defeat, the win or the draw before they enter the ring before a fight, doesn’t matter if we’re talking at the Boys Club or Vegas. If you fear any of the above you’re fucked. When you’re ready to fight, it’s actually fun.
I told him to “get up.” When a 175-pound dude with a 32-inch waist tells you get up you’re fucked when you’re a big tough-guy mouthing off for show. You’re beer belly won’t fight for you, and the motherfucker whose hands are steadier than a surgeon’s is going to fuck your face up unless you can tackle him, but you can’t, since you were stupid enough to let him stand over you while sitting there mouthing off.
Not a word from Fat-boy, and he didn’t get up. Well, that is, until I sat down, casually. He slithered off and got his gun. Not that he didn’t announced his intention to do so. You don’t think I would have sought cover otherwise? Andy, of course, was laughing hysterically, adding to fay-boy’s humiliation. Public humiliation must bollix the judgment of fat-boy construction workers. At the moment/time I felt Andy, being as imposing physically as he, should have never let it get that far. I wasn’t real happy with him either.
“Shit, if it ends like this, it’d suck, but everyone I love know knows love them.” That’s exacly what was ringing in my head as fat-boy pressed a gun to the back of my head. I knew this was pretty serious from the look on the faces of those sitting across the table from me. “Tell me it’s a BB-gun.” That’s what I asked ‘em. The terror in their eyes and the way they scooted away from the table told me otherwise. They didn’t answer, couldn’t find the words. Me? I was the calmest person there.
I didn’t care. And I’m not sure, as with the first time, why. Nothing, no prayers, no loss of water from the bowels, no shakes, no nothing. I sat there and took a long pull from my beer, catching salient particulars of Fat-boy’s expletive-filled rantings. “I will kill you. I’m going to kill him, Andy. I’ll do it!” Lot’s of that.
Andy rose and talked him back into his first floor unit. About 27 cop cars showed up, which, if you were wondering, should put an end to the joke/question of “if you say gun” the cops show in 30-seconds - they do!
Be happy you’re a message board tough guy. My girlfriend is a pint-sized ball of charm and wit. She works part-time at a pre-school, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, does her yoga and goes to bed early. Worth kicking your ass for, worth eating a bullet as well, imho. That she actually is a speech therapist that works with children with cleft lips, deformed palates, etc.., means the cliche “she works with handicap kids” more humorous to me.
Want I to scan the letter from Fat-boy? As part of his probation he had to apologize by letter to the victim-thor. Yep, when the State Prosecutor called I agreed to lower the charges so Fat-boy wouldn’t be charged with a felony. His union would fuck him with the small print, he’d be unemployed from the construction work and tough-talk.
He won’t do it again, I assured the State’s attorney, who questioned my confidence. “Because he had one shot and didn’t take it,” and then I added, “Fat-boy, he knows me now.”
Fuck with her, and you get to meet thor. Thor’s already accepted whatever the outcome shall be. From downtown, he was born ready for you.
Comment by Penthouse Forum on 8/6 @ 10:09 pm #
Dear Mr. thor,
While we appreciate the gritty realism and effort you obviously put into your story, we generally expect a more conventional foreplay sequence involving the girl more than guns and other dudes. Our readers also expect a bit of a pay-off at the end. Perhaps you could try a more specialized magazine like Buckskin Buddies or Bluesteel and Suede for your next efforts.
Thank you, and don’t ever fucking write us again,
The Editors.
Comment by McGehee on 8/6 @ 10:26 pm #
The bravest people I know don’t talk about it.
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 8/6 @ 10:31 pm #
- thor, if thats the best fantasy writing you can do, dickie wagging is the last sign of desperation in a debate, expecially when you have no dick, keep your day job.
Comment by thor on 8/6 @ 10:35 pm #
Rolling beachside with thor.
Dear Editor:
It’s not so much that I’ve mad skillz, I don’t. It’s my delicate fingers. I’ve fingered so many dancing girls.
What is your preference for tee times. The young girl at my club who drives the beer cart has agreed to fuck you, no matter what you look like.
Chances Like This,
thor
Comment by Rusty on 8/7 @ 5:17 am #
#133
Short version. Hi. I’m thor and I’m full of myself.
Comment by poppa india on 8/7 @ 7:45 am #
Though I don’t doubt he looked Death In The Eye And Laughed, this seems a bit overwrought. A troubling post.
Comment by Obstreperous Infidel on 8/7 @ 7:59 am #
I once kicked the shit out of the Ohio University football team. All of them. At the same time. Why, you may ask? Because, they looked at me wrong. I am a bad-ass son of a bitch. Yessireee…Oh and you’re all a bunch of Obama hating monkey fucks. Or something along those lines.
Comment by McGehee on 8/7 @ 9:04 am #
Laughing is not the thing to do when looking Death in the eye. The thing to do when looking Death in the eye is spit.
Which is hard to do, you know, when laughing.
Comment by JD on 8/7 @ 9:06 am #
Obama hating monkey fucks
Could you be any more racist?!
Comment by Education Guy on 8/7 @ 9:19 am #
Wait, are you Russian thor?
Comment by Obstreperous Infidel on 8/7 @ 10:01 am #
I guess I could have said Obama hating donkey fucks. That would have just made me a democratist, I suppose.
The point is that I beat the shit out of an entire football team. I am one bad ass mofo.
Comment by Clint on 8/7 @ 10:14 am #
Jay-Z
Hell, he owns nearly half of everything already. Wouldn’t that be a change! Plus, he married Beyonce. That’d be the wildest inauguration ball evah, yo!
Comment by Rob Crawford on 8/7 @ 10:25 am #
Maybe, but, dude, they’re not that impressive. Now, if you’d taken on the Ohio State University football team…
Comment by Obstreperous Infidel on 8/7 @ 11:00 am #
I tried, Rob. But they never looked at me wrong. I gotta have motivation, man.
Comment by poppa india on 8/7 @ 11:01 am #
“taken on the Ohio State…” Which might be a bad idea considering the unhappy result of the last time Michigan tried it. However, there were times in the past and will be times in the future when the Wolverines will triumph. Which could be a lesson to us all, including Thor, that there is always somebody tougher
Comment by poppa india on 8/7 @ 11:02 am #
Period
Comment by Education Guy on 8/7 @ 11:07 am #
Well, Russian or not that story was very inspirational thor.
Comment by Obstreperous Infidel on 8/7 @ 11:17 am #
poppa india…the last 4 times, Michigan has tried it.
Comment by poppa india on 8/7 @ 11:18 am #
lalala…fingers in ears…
Comment by Obstreperous Infidel on 8/7 @ 11:50 am #
LOL…I’m owning it right now, because, as you said, the tide may (probably will) turn in the very near future.
Comment by thor on 8/7 @ 12:51 pm #
shorter thor on thor: I’ve been punched in the face thousands of times, been kicked there a few times too and I’ve been stabbed once in the gut (mere flesh wound), but twice now a two-bit dick pretending to be the grim reaper ended up nothing more that a pop-gun pussy more afraid to pull the trigger than I was to die.
Say what you want about that, because I don’t know what to think of it myself.
Comment by B Moe on 8/7 @ 2:37 pm #
I’ve been punched in the face thousands of times…
See, now, me personally, I would take that as an indication that maybe there might be some inherent flaws in my basic approach to going about things in general.
But that’s just me.
Comment by kelly on 8/7 @ 3:44 pm #
So…reasonable, B Moe.
Comment by Rusty on 8/7 @ 4:12 pm #
I’ve been punched in the face thousands of times…
Ah. I see the problem right there,
Comment by thor on 8/8 @ 8:35 am #
“Don’t hit my face, thor, or I’ll go postal and get my gun! You Obama-freak, it’s the first amendment and if you were a constitutionalist right-winger allow me my right to talk about trampling your grandmother and raping your girlfriend without threatening to hit me in the face! Which is the worst place you can hit someone if they have sensitive skin, you Obama-Brute!”
Typical nutty wingers, all the same.