oatmeal: “So, what’s that you’re eating there — Kashi? Nice. Maybe later, you can write me a poem, then go and have your mangina bikini waxed.
“You effete yuppie freak.”
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July 14, 2008
a post that explores what life might be like if oatmeal could speak, 16
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Comment by happyfeet on 7/14 @ 4:10 pm #
Their frozen thingers rock though. They’re kind of expensive though. They made up this pretend natural grain stuff called Kashi® Pilaf that has a really great texture. I love that. Kashi® Pilaf. It’s the future.
Comment by Ouroboros on 7/14 @ 4:16 pm #
Bold talk for a bowl of boiled oats.
Comment by BumperStickerist on 7/14 @ 4:19 pm #
for those new to Jeff’s, the term “Kashi” signifies “penis”
.
Comment by kelly on 7/14 @ 4:19 pm #
Not if they’re steel cut.
Comment by Dan Collins on 7/14 @ 4:19 pm #
I think that conceptually you’re very accurate with regards to the attitude of oatmeal towards other foods, and cereals in particular. On the other hand, I think that oatmeal’s control of English (and the American idiom in particular), is less native than you represent. In fact, almost every oatmeal I’ve ever been conversed with has sounded something like George Handlery.
Comment by SevenEleventy on 7/14 @ 4:22 pm #
for those new to Jeff’s, the term “Kashi†signifies “penisâ€Â
I’ve been eating Go Lean Crunch™ penis?
Comment by Karl on 7/14 @ 4:22 pm #
I dunno those black bean thingers, but is Kashi really yuppie now? ‘Cause I keep seeing George Costanza’s parents.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/14 @ 4:25 pm #
Maybe not yuppie, but I remember buying the cereal with the lesbians on the box cause I never bought lesbian cereal before and I thought it would be fun. It was very oaty. Now mostly I just get Trader Joe’s brand cause it’s cheaper and for real, there’s only two bowls in a box of this stuff.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/14 @ 4:26 pm #
I have kinda large bowls.
Comment by daniel on 7/14 @ 4:33 pm #
sour raisins.
Comment by Karl on 7/14 @ 4:37 pm #
Wow. The oatmeal just went from “yuppie freak” to “effete yuppie freak.” The oatmeal is on the muscle today.
Comment by Dan Collins on 7/14 @ 4:40 pm #
Hahaha, hf. Those aren’t lesbians: that’s Snap, Crackle and Pop.
Comment by Jeff G. on 7/14 @ 4:41 pm #
It’s the apples and spice kind.
SAUCY!
Comment by dre on 7/14 @ 4:42 pm #
You’re attacking Quakers now? I denounce cornflakes!
Comment by happyfeet on 7/14 @ 4:46 pm #
For real this is the gayest new product this year I think. The stylishly designed bottles each have little numbers so you can gauge their “chill factor” and get the metromint that’s right for you. They have a blog where you can learn that they are really committed to living the metromint lifestyle for real.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/14 @ 4:48 pm #
oh. No these ones were for real lesbians, I’m sure. Also they had great teeth.
Comment by McGehee on 7/14 @ 4:50 pm #
Whenever my oatmeal gives me any lip, I just start calling it “raw material for Cheerios®.”
Shuts it right up.
Comment by Dan Collins on 7/14 @ 4:54 pm #
Oh, God. Not . . . miscegenist cereal.
Comment by Dan Collins on 7/14 @ 4:55 pm #
Oh, those Lesbigrahams!
Oh, those Lesbigrahams!
Comment by kelly on 7/14 @ 4:56 pm #
Yep. Lesbians, hf. Plus they look good in
milf, sorry, I mean milk. But honestly, who doesn’t?Comment by happyfeet on 7/14 @ 4:56 pm #
runner-up gayest product this year I think. It’s from Brazil. Whole Foods is pretty enthusiastic about it, last time I was there. It’s sort of carving out its own niche I think. All of Katie’s days are good is the important thing.
Comment by Dan Collins on 7/14 @ 4:59 pm #
Katie Couric’s Oatbook.
Comment by Spies, Brigands, and Pirates on 7/14 @ 5:12 pm #
Call it buckwheat instead.
Buckwheat makes you think of Jim Bowie, John Wayne, Davy Crockett, and that kid on Our Gang.
All of whom could beat that pacifist Quaker’s ass in a New York minute.
Comment by Karl on 7/14 @ 5:28 pm #
hf pulls of a cunning stunt, without a spoon.
Comment by Karl on 7/14 @ 5:31 pm #
Presumably all honey, no nuts.
Comment by happyfeet on 7/14 @ 5:37 pm #
What’s kind of kooky is that the lesbians look so very wholesome for real. I had never thought about lesbians in terms of their wholesome natural goodness. Sometimes marketing is just really insightful like that.
Comment by dre on 7/14 @ 5:42 pm #
No nuts? Yo Jackson!
Comment by Kirk on 7/14 @ 5:43 pm #
If fucking oatmeal could talk it would be spending this night up in its room, alone, with no television.
Comment by Salt Lick on 7/14 @ 5:45 pm #
All the lesbians I know take really good care of themselves, hf. They exercise a lot and eat organic. If I was forced to go cannibal I’d ask for a grilled lesbian salad.
Comment by Karl on 7/14 @ 5:48 pm #
dre,
C’mon, I was referring to the lesbian cereal.
Comment by mikey on 7/14 @ 6:07 pm #
wasn’t that oatmeal a marine on Gen Kill last night?
I mean, with all the bleating about 20 yr old hard-ass killers actually saying a naughty non-PC word or 2?
bucking fush
Comment by Dan Collins on 7/14 @ 6:13 pm #
Now we finally find out why you call yourself Salt Lick!
Comment by N. O'Brain on 7/14 @ 6:38 pm #
Oatmeal needs salt, too.
Comment by Spies, Brigands, and Pirates on 7/14 @ 7:23 pm #
Also rice.
However, if all the rice runs away from the salt, perhaps it’s been left in the cupboard too long.
I learned that cooking tip from Flushed Away.
Comment by jon on 7/14 @ 8:03 pm #
Wax a mangina? I thought the proper way to depilate that thing was to use a blowtorch. Now it doesn’t sound so bad, actually. Just don’t shave one of them Hitler thingies first or some German guy will rip off the head, and that’s got to hurt like a materfucher!
Comment by Melba Toast on 7/14 @ 8:23 pm #
Oh, pay no attention to him, the old horse-feed fraud.
Comment by Mikey NTH on 7/14 @ 8:29 pm #
There’s a whole lot of wrong with a person who chooses his breakfast cereal because of the political/moral/identity group statement he believes it makes about him.
The fact that the people who do that are usually those that deplore the consumerist activities of others makes it funny.
Funny in the ‘ha-ha’ sense.
Comment by SarahW on 7/14 @ 11:00 pm #
I had a panic last week. Ukrops decided to stop carrying Quaker Oat Bran, a main staple of my diet. I bought all the oatbran so it’s not like it didn’t sell.
The grocer pointed me to a bag of Bob’s oat bran and it had bugs legs in it visible through the cellophane.
So I ordered a case of Quakers off of Amazon. And some of those Venus razors.
Comment by SarahW on 7/14 @ 11:01 pm #
Mm and it does need just a pinch of salt. It’s delicious, like Triscuit gruel.
Comment by Spies, Brigands, and Pirates on 7/14 @ 11:01 pm #
To shave the legs of the bugs?
Comment by SarahW on 7/14 @ 11:36 pm #
Summer, short shorts; oat-bugs have the hairy legs.
Comment by SarahW on 7/14 @ 11:37 pm #
It’s a scot thing, I guess.
Comment by SarahW on 7/14 @ 11:38 pm #
Kashi bugs? Smooth like a brazilian swim champ.
Comment by Mikey NTH on 7/14 @ 11:51 pm #
Mmmmm, smooth trim female legs in shorts. Summer has its good points and then some.
Comment by Cincinnatus on 7/15 @ 12:31 am #
Those two have a set of chompers that would put the fear of god in any sassy back-talking oatmeal.
Comment by McGehee on 7/15 @ 6:25 am #
You wouldn’t see the bug legs if those damn Scottish bugs wore pants like real… er, bugs.
(There’s a reason my ancestor came to America.)
Comment by I R A Darth Aggie on 7/15 @ 11:10 am #
How ironic, I had oatmeal for breakfast this morning. No talking back allowed!
Comment by Sejanus on 7/16 @ 2:41 pm #
What do you call a quaker woman that has sex twice a year? A nymphomaniac. I think it has something to do with the oats.