July 4, 2008

Scenes from my driveway, continued x 64

Deadbeat neighbor: “I know what festive bunting is…”

Me: “Sure. If you say so.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “Fourth of July stuff and all.”

Me: “Yup.”

Deadbeat neighbor: “I mean, it’s not like I’m an idiot, you know…*

Me: “Okay.”

Deadbeat neighbor:

Me:

Deadbeat neighbor:

Me:

Deadbeat neighbor: ” — Just to clarify, though, it has nothing to do with a gay guy happily advancing a runner into scoring position, am I right –?”

Me: “– Dude, your grill is on fire. Again.”

Posted by Jeff G. @ 10:32am
78 comments | Trackback

Comments (78)

  1. Happy 4th, y’all!

  2. Thanks, Jeff. Have a great holiday weekend with your friends and family.

  3. To be fair, DN was probably distracted by your belt-sanding injuries.

  4. Happy 4th, boss

    We’ll be off to the family patriarch’s home later today to engage in ritualized bovine flesh searing, accompanied by tossing various family members in the pool and drinking quantities of brewed adult beverages.

    Unfortunately, individual pyrotechnics are not on the list. But I’m sure the local teens have bootlegged in some illegal stuff and we’ll just stand on the front lawn and watch.

  5. Is this a new deadbeat neighbor, or did the original one follow you to the new neighborhood? (Not that I could blame him if he did; after what we all did to the other house I’ve heard the old neighborhood has been urban-renewed into a toxic waste dump, thus re-elevating the property values.)

  6. Anyway, I’m off on a B-double-E-double-R-U-N.

  7. Thanks for even remembering this bit, McGehee.

    I was only bringing it back today because I was feeling nostalgic. Must have been the Mickey’s Big Mouths.

  8. The deadbeat neighbor was always good stuff, Jeff.

  9. I found this version of Stars and Stripes Forever lastnight. It even has a guinpen in it.

  10. at least you have a neighbor. we’ve got a big empty house even the Salvation Army didn’t want.

    Happy 4th!

  11. perfesser caric homophobe accusation drive-by in 5,4,3…

  12. Homophobic?

    Is it the flaming grill thing?

    I don’t get it.

  13. Hmmmm.

    Happy 4th all!

  14. Bye, baby Bunting.
    Daddy’s gone a hunting,
    To get a little rabbit skin
    To wrap his baby Bunting in.

    wow…so teh Patriarchal Conspiracy(tm) on so many levels.

  15. Happy 4th to you and all the rest of the Protein Wisdom commentators, even the trolls. Well, except for semencleo who I imagine might not celebrate such a day.

  16. Me, I’m going to see the nation’s biggest fireworks show at Stadium of Fire in Utah, where genuine patriotism never goes out of style.

    Featuring Glenn Beck, the Blue Man Group, and, well, Hannah Montana.

    Shewt, we like the 4th so much, we do it all again on the 24th of July: Pioneer Day, a state holiday, which is celebrated in exactly the same way as the 4th: parades, fireworks, rodeos, barbecues, picnics, and stray brushfires.

    It’s all good.

  17. Festive bunting is alright, just as long as it isn’t this Bunting:

    http://tinyurl.com/66drwe

  18. Well, except for semencleo who I imagine might not celebrate such a day.

    Progs are patriotic. They just define patriotism as pointing out all of your defects (real and imagined). Kind of like your mother-in-law.

  19. and a festive bunting to you too~!

  20. Happy Independence Day, Jeff.

    This is one of my two favorite bits you’ve done here. The other one is the “Overheard in a Fallujah Bunker” series. I pick the ones with real shelf life, huh?

  21. Sure, progs are patriotic. I’m not sure what semencleo is, though. But what is patriotism anyhow? Is it loving your country the way that it is (the way the founders wanted it) OR the way that you wish it to be? If I want the USA to be transformed into a Soviet Union light, am I still “patriotic”?

  22. and a festive bunting to you too~!

    I’d rather haz a cheezberger! My doctor told me when my cholesterol hits 300 to sell!

  23. Happy Independence Day my ass. This sucks with Baracky Chavez and his media sycophants lulling our peoples into an embrace of Eurogay socialism and communitarian soft-fascism. McCain needs to man up I think and drop his lispy my friends my friends bullshit. These people are not our friends.

  24. Do you think Barry has the potential to be an Uncle Joe-lite?☭☭☭☭☭☭

  25. I got’cher festive bunting, right here!

  26. This Baracky cheapens us is all I know. An America lying prostrate, thighs splayed wide for the furtive pleasure of George Soros and the United Nations and pasty NPR communists.

  27. dicentra, I heard Glenn on air yesterday promoting his gig today. He didn’t sound all so worked up about his co-billing with Hannah and the Blue Menz. But maybe that’s just my misreading his nuance.

    If you get a chance, ask him what’s up with this?…the two-finger…handshake? And the cummerbund.

  28. ‘feets, this is Independence Day. We celebrate because of July 4, 1776.

    And because we can repeat as needed./a>

  29. Thrown under the incubus.

  30. America wakes up and stabs Soros to death. The end.

  31. Or maybe just gets all Virginia State Seal on him.

  32. America wakes up and stabs Soros to death. The end.

    Wouldn’t you rather hear that he choked to death on his own ego?

  33. Of course not. I’d rather WATCH.

  34. Oh please, the country is like 232 years old but it’s just in the past year or so that it’s inspired any pride. Our past unfortunately a lot hasn’t bequeathed M’chelle and Baracky much to work with so they draw inspiration elsewhere, meaning Venezuela and Cuba and the British National Health Service mostly. July Fourth is an historical asterisk. We’s gittin a new birthday and we’s gon sip bacardi and shit.

  35. When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to keep fresh fruit in the house…

  36. Lift every voice and sing!

  37. “July Fourth is an historical asterisk. We’s gittin a new birthday and we’s gon sip bacardi and shit.”

    You mean Absolut I think…

  38. Actually our paper printed The Declaration and I was trying to read it out loud while my little family had their bacon and I kept choking up.
    Verklempt. Tears. I guess I’m some kind of sucker. I got through the list of tyrannies and insults and so forth well enough but had to hand it over to DH, who tried to read the summary paragraph but also choked up. My kid- who is nearly a man- calmly took the paper and read it aloud with eloquence and feeling and I cried like I was out of apples.

  39. Rachel Corrie celebrates July 4, postmodern style

  40. SharahW

    want to choke up somemore?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAAptRG5S4Q

    damn but Cagney was good

  41. SarahW

    Sorry, I had some extra “h’s” hanging around

  42. I think Rachel Corrie’s celebration must fall rather flat.

  43. SharahW

    Elventy, 11!!ELEVENTY!!!, Darleen is into your cooler. :)

  44. Jeff,

    I certainly remembered DN pre-move, but did not want to challenge the continuity.

    Also Mickey’s Big Mouths rule. Good engineering.

  45. But YAY, I hope Yankee Doodle is on TV today…

  46. “Happy Independence Day my ass. This sucks with Baracky Chavez and his media sycophants lulling our peoples into an embrace of Eurogay socialism and communitarian soft-fascism. McCain needs to man up I think and drop his lispy my friends my friends bullshit. These people are not our friends.”

    Major dittos, HF.

    I should be in a much better mood today, but I am having trouble getting over this lib created gas bullshit.

    I can’t even get to work some days because I don’t have the fucking money to pay $25 for the trip there and back. Divorce is hell, but fucking proggs are worse. They are HAPPY that gas costs so much.

    My neighbor (who, BTW, was the seargent in “Day Of The Dead”) offered to lend me some guns. I hate guns, but I am seriously considering it.

    How fucked up is that?

    The libs had better turn around and take a good look at the freight train that is bearing down on their heads.

    ASSHOLES!

    But happy Independence Day anyway. It’s a good day for reflection.

    http://www.americansolutions.com

  47. “I hate guns, but I am seriously considering it.”

    Considering…a gun, for what purpose?

    For self-defense around the house, and I guess with the hating guns things you can’t hit the broad side of a red barn inside with the door securely latched, a pistol is prolly not your best choice.

    The Mossberg. Cheap, reliable, and that characteristic ratcheting sound might be all you need.

  48. Teh trouble with goin on a beerrun is by the timme I get back frm the store all the beerrs are gon.

  49. O,h and wehn i shpowed this post to my oqn nieghbor he lookd at me funny adn said he tihnks he and Jeff miht have sometihng in comon.

    I wonner what he ment by that.

  50. “Comment by SarahW on 7/4 @ 1:02 pm #

    Actually our paper printed The Declaration and I was trying to read it out loud while my little family had their bacon and I kept choking up.
    Verklempt. Tears. I guess I’m some kind of sucker. I got through the list of tyrannies and insults and so forth well enough but had to hand it over to DH, who tried to read the summary paragraph but also choked up. My kid- who is nearly a man- calmly took the paper and read it aloud with eloquence and feeling and I cried like I was out of apples.”

    SarahW,

    Thank you for this. What is happening in this country makes me want to scream, and then I get choked up myself.

    Not so much for me, but for my son. He attends one of the best public schools in the country, yet has NO clue what America is/was about.

    Global warming? Check.

    Whites are stupid? Check.

    Working for personal responsibility? Not so much.

    The government owns us? Check.

    I swear, I can’t believe how many times I get tears in my eyes lately, when I even THINK of how dizzyingly fast we are going down the drain.

    I can still draw verbal blood, but the proggs just go into a spittle flecked rage when confronted with facts. They seem to have non-functioning brains.

    But, GOD BLESS AMERICA! Our home not so sweet home.

    I think I feel guilty for being who I was in the sixties, and pushing for this nightmare that is now happening. If I’d only known…

    Aw, forget it.

    Happy 4th to all. I am determined to enjoy this day, even if my view of America is Neanderthal. I love this country and appreciate the freedom that I have grown up with. Too bad our grandchildren won’t ever know what freedom really means.

  51. Penchant for Mickey’s Big Mouth is my guess! I had a bad experience with the Big Mouth years ago. I think I ended up the same shade of green as the bottles that evening.

  52. “Comment by SevenEleventy on 7/4 @ 1:44 pm #

    Penchant for Mickey’s Big Mouth is my guess! I had a bad experience with the Big Mouth years ago. I think I ended up the same shade of green as the bottles that evening.”

    Big mouths were OK, but does anyone remember “Big Rupert’s” from the late sixties? One gallon kegs that would make you wake up behind a Coke machine somewhere in New Jersey?

    Phew! No wonder I was a virgin ’til I was eighteen!

  53. Darleen,

    Mark Levin played a John Wayne “talkover” of “America The Beautiful” yesterday, and it completely choked me up. I just can’t get skivvy with what is happening to this country today.

    Morons rule, at the expense of those who believe in the Constitution. We haven’t reached the edge yet, but I feel like someone sliding down a third story roof, grabbing and clawing at nothing. All the while knowing that it’s going to be a painful drop when I shoot off the edge.

    Whatever. It’s time to go drown my sorrows. Which I plan to do with mucho gusto…

    Happy Fourth everyone…

  54. Big mouths were OK, but does anyone remember “Big Rupert’s” from the late sixties? One gallon kegs that would make you wake up behind a Coke machine somewhere in New Jersey?

    Phew! No wonder I was a virgin ’til I was eighteen!

    I lived in Upstate New York during my youth, so it was Genessee Cream Ale and Utica Club. Mmmmmm. We’d go to a nearby cemetery to drink(I know, what can I say). It was too cold to remain a virgin that long. We didn’t have the Global Warming™ thing going on. As a matter of fact, if I remember correctly, it was the start of a new ice age and bell bottoms. Getting out of your clothes and keeping warm was a priority.

  55. “Considering…a gun, for what purpose?”

    serr8ed,

    Mostly for the reason of poetic licence.

    But there are many people who are sick of having the majority’s will over ruled by five pretentious idiots, and five hundred and thirty five absolute morons. I am a pussy, and want no part of violence, but how long do the idiots that run our government think that the people of this country are going to have dogshit stuffed down their throats?

    I was taking liberty with my statement about guns (I really do hate them), but, from what I have seen, there are many people who are not. And they are PISSED!

    And who can blame them? Between ten and twenty percent of our population is choking us with an unending diet of bullshit.

    And don’t get me wrong. I am a TOTAL supporter of the Second Amendment. Just because I don’t like guns does not mean that anyone else shouldn’t have them.

    OK. Now I really do have to leave…

  56. Actually our paper printed The Declaration

    Heh. My paper (LAT) ran a long editorial defending the concept of a living, breathing Constitution which means only what progressive jurists want it to mean.

  57. “I lived in Upstate New York during my youth, so it was Genessee Cream Ale and Utica Club. Mmmmmm. We’d go to a nearby cemetery to drink(I know, what can I say). It was too cold to remain a virgin that long. We didn’t have the Global Warmingâ„¢ thing going on. As a matter of fact, if I remember correctly, it was the start of a new ice age and bell bottoms. Getting out of your clothes and keeping warm was a priority.”

    Where in NY? I lived in Oneanta, Geneva, and Chemung. Chemung was the best though, because the Bodines had a quarter mile race track about three hundred yards from our front door. That was in 1973. We (my band) moved there three days before the flood that wiped out the whole southern tier of New York.

    We were also hippies, and not terribly popular with the locals.

    heh.

    Oh. And I was many times naked, but the “Depression era” parents I had, taught me too well. I thought girls didn’t want to “do the do”. Silly me! I’m sure that with a different attitude, I wouldn’t have made it past 12.

    When I was eighteen, there was a twelve year old who used to beg me (and she was GORGEOUS), but my upbringing prevented me from doing what I so badly wanted to do. Too bad for me, because I never tasted that, but everybody else in town did.

    Actually. I think I was lucky, as this girl wound up in an institution. Karma…

  58. TLD, owning a gun is therapeutic in some ways. You’re granted a strong measure of personal freedom, requiring a giant dose of person responsibility. Because there’s no games involved with real guns.

    I can’t stand so many of these ‘action thrillers’ where ‘hero sorts’ blast away with impunity, thousands of rounds in a thirty-minute sitcom. No wonder kids get the wrong impressions and expectations! You learn fast, in a concealed carry course, that every bullet you fire has a lawyer attached to it, and you are responsible for the complete trajectory and energy of that hot metal until it’s safely cooling in a gutter (or a perp). And forget about homeowners insurance…they won’t cover that liability.

    I sometimes mentally overwrite the guns I see on sitcom TV, and replace them with bananas. Because they might as well be bananas, with monkeys manipulating ‘em.

    (Wouldn’t do that to John Wayne, of course; but that sure puts the Tony Sopranos in a different light)

  59. Ultimately, I think the United States is a pretty awesome country but it very plausibly would have been even awesomer had English and American political leaders in the late 18th century been farsighted enough to find compromises that would have held the empire together.

    Amsterdam, NY, exit 27 off the Thruway, near Schenectady.

  60. Ultimately, I think the United States is a pretty awesome country but it very plausibly would have been even awesomer had English and American political leaders in the late 18th century been farsighted enough to find compromises that would have held the empire together.

    Amsterdam, NY, exit 27 off the Thruway, near Schenectady.

    I have offically had too much to drink!

  61. Aren’t you folks all supposed to be grilling something or somebody?

    Happy 4th!

  62. Little Kings and Mickeys Big Mouths were the shizznit.

  63. I remember Mickeys from my high school daze. We didn’t usually have money for good brand stuff most of the time. Drank lots of Nature Boy wine at 69 cents a quart mixed 50-50 with Squirt. Also Strohs beer because it was from Detroit.

    Happy Independence Day to all!

  64. Happy Independence Day! I hope you all have the same number of fingers tomorrow.

  65. Happy 4th Jeffy. We miss you, you strange bastard. “Advancing a runner into scoring position” indeed.

  66. “Comment by McGehee on 7/4 @ 1:36 pm #

    Teh trouble with goin on a beerrun is by the timme I get back frm the store all the beerrs are gon.”

    My problem too, because I have to throw at least one can at any car that has a “Barracky” or “Out Of Iraq Now!” bumper sticker.

  67. I was only bringing it back today because I was feeling nostalgic. Must have been the Mickey’s Big Mouths.

    Wow! Definite “nostalgia”…

    I remember a certain winter evening when I was a 17 yr old in 1981 – I was “cruising” on two hits of Mr. Natural and smoking a “hogleg” in the backseat of a ’65 Falcon doing fifty MPH on the barely 1 1/2 lane-wide curving roads through the most exclusive “private neighborhood” in Central Ohio at the time. Then, “Dan” -(I call him that, because his name was actually Dan.)- asked me to pass him another Mickey’s Big Mouth. I pulled it from the cooler and said, “Last one, Dude!”

    Then, the “private security officer” pulled us over.

    He asked “Dan” to step out of the car, and questioned him out of our hearing. Next thing we know, the “Rent-A-Pig” was searching the trunk- which contained 4 cases of Mickey’s Big Mouths… all of which were empties. BTW, did I mention that Dan was also only 17 at the time?

    So, the “RAP” then tells Dan that he also smelled the marijuana when he first approached the car, and that if Dan will give him all the pot he has, he’ll let us go.

    Dan then pulls his ashtray out and starts dumping it into the RAP’s hands- which were quickly proven to be sadly inadequate to the task of holding the volume of “roaches” contained within – and watching the “overspill” piling up both on and between the Cop’s spit-shined toes was universally regarded as “high comedy” among those of us still sitting in the car.

    True to his word, the “RAP” then let us just
    ‘drive away’…

    I sometimes wonder if this was all a particularly vivid “hallucination”, but the other three people in the car with me that night all assure me that this really did happen as I remember it.

  68. Happy 4th all! I’m a bit late to the party, but I was thinking along the same lines as commenter #5 way up there. I didn’t know whether Jeff attracts deadbeat neighbors or … because he’s such a stud, they’re simply all deadbeat by comparisont

    I spent the day gardening. My husband spent the day sulking that I won’t go to Historic Fort Wayne tomorrow. Between shopping, cleaning, and b-day party for my nephew- all on deck tomorrow – I just didn’t feel comfortable squeezing in reverence.

    FIREWORKS in 45 minutes!

  69. Happy 5th Jeff! Hope your 4th was as nice as mine.

    Wanna talk awesome? At the parade last night the Miss Madison threw beef jerky samples to the kids instead of candy.

    Between the Unlimiteds and Indiana’s new fireworks law, I might never get my hearing back. It’s gonna be a great weekend.

  70. “Comment by TerryH on 7/4 @ 1:08 pm #

    Rachel Corrie celebrates July 4, postmodern style”

    What, she had a pancake breakfast?

  71. #73
    Now, that’s depressing. Ouch! I’m hungover.

  72. Depressing? I’m crushed!

  73. Oh, Rachel sorry, but your comment fell a little flat.

  74. And Rachel Corrie, one calm March day,
    went and got herself squished

  75. Did the Palestinians protest when the Israelis ran Rachel over?

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