for every drake who’s ever been misidentified
Pardon me, said she –
a lank, fresh-faced gal in a lovely
flower print summer dress — but you
wouldn’t happen to have any extra low
sodium soy sauce, would you?
I just smiled. No, I told her. But
I do have some extra duck sauce you’re
welcome to. If, you know, you’re interested.
– And if the duck doesn’t mind my milking him
for the third time this afternoon.
– written June 15th on a napkin at the Happy Sumo restaurant, Westminster.
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 6/18 @ 12:09 pm #
wow…guerilla poerty.
im ravished.
Comment by Karl on 6/18 @ 12:11 pm #
What I want to know is why Jeff sat on the napkin for three days.
Share!
Comment by mojo on 6/18 @ 12:13 pm #
Oh blobit of dribble
Oozing from the upturned corner of my mouth
You look to me,
Like you should be,
The thing that dropeth from the cloud
A tiny bit of thee is stuck upon my lip
A little more is stuck up my nose
Some has adhered to my hip
My eyes are open and glassy
My snot is thick and green
And from my ears,
Something obscene appears,
And I think it might be me.
– Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz
Comment by Percy Dovetonsils on 6/18 @ 12:14 pm #
I do hope “The Happy Sumo” is a Simpsons reference… because if there’s an actual restaurant named that in Denver, I’d had to leave everything and move there, pronto.
(BTW, were the duck’s nipples hard at any time during the milking process? Because we haven’t had outraged feminists post their dismay at hardened nipples for awhile.)
Comment by Benedick on 6/18 @ 12:17 pm #
Hannibal Lecter: Tell me, Senator: did you nurse Catherine yourself?
Senator Ruth Martin: What?
Hannibal Lecter: Did you breast-feed her?
Paul Krendler: Now wait a minute…
Senator Ruth Martin: Yes, I did.
Hannibal Lecter: Toughened your nipples, didn’t it?
Paul Krendler: You son of a bitch!
Comment by McGehee on 6/18 @ 12:19 pm #
Gorillas writing poetry? Is that anything like the monkeys who write Skankspeare?
Comment by Jeff G. on 6/18 @ 12:23 pm #
The funny part of the outrage over at feministe is that nipple hardening has a long history here, and it applies to MY excitement. In fact, I used to have a hard nipples graphic for exciting news, but I lost it when I lost one of my old computers.
I was just trying to be gender neutral by allowing the ladies into the trope.
Also, I’m pretty sure you can be a scold and not be a woman. Al Gore comes to mind. Michael Bloomberg. Huckabee. And just about any nannystatist. And I’m certain I’ve used the word in just that context before.
Thinking it has to be applied to a woman just shows how invested these ladies are in taking offense at anything and everything, and just how truly disingenuous is their attempt to portray themselves as interested in gender equality.
Comment by Ouroboros on 6/18 @ 12:30 pm #
Duck: Quack! Quack! Quack!…. Quack! Quack!
Me: Oh, put a sock in it! I dont want any sauce from you, Duck.
Comment by maggie katzen on 6/18 @ 12:35 pm #
just can’t help yourself with the negative female imagery can you?
Comment by Jeff G. on 6/18 @ 12:36 pm #
As a stay at home dad, I’m working to change things.
Academic feminists? Not so much.
Comment by maggie katzen on 6/18 @ 12:37 pm #
or, I should have said, “Let’s leave Fran Drescher out of this” because of the adenoids.
Comment by psycho... on 6/18 @ 12:45 pm #
That’s this close to being the internet’s first Arnold Toynbee joke.
So here it is:
Of course your nipples are hard — you’re a fossil!
(Cambrige/Oxford-y laughter.)
Comment by happyfeet on 6/18 @ 12:49 pm #
I’m just not a soy sauce person. Not even for sushi. Just the wasabi please, and the ginger but I eat that after. For Chinese I like the garlic chili oil sauce stuff a lot and I eat those dried red pepper thingers too, but for real spicy, it has to be Thai.
Fran Drescher is more famouser than I’ll ever ever be. That can’t be right. For real?
Comment by N. O'Brain on 6/18 @ 12:55 pm #
Someone said duck.
I’m typing this from under my desk.
Comment by Benedick on 6/18 @ 12:58 pm #
I get it, N. Because of Teh Homonyms.
Comment by N. O'Brain on 6/18 @ 1:00 pm #
Groucho:
Now here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland.
Chico:
Why a duck?
Comment by N. O'Brain on 6/18 @ 1:00 pm #
Hey hey hey, I’m straight.
Ask my wife.
Comment by Jeff G. on 6/18 @ 1:18 pm #
It’s just time that drakes began fighting back.
Shannon Elizabeth, bless her, is no duck-only apologist, I can tell you that much.
Comment by TimeandTea on 6/18 @ 1:18 pm #
Jeff,
Not that it works that way, but the images of 1) milking a duck 2) that’s a him should rid your readers of any notion that you’re a sexist. The ‘dillo, on the other hand, is beyond redemption in those quarters.
Speaking of quarters, what kind of tequila does he prefer?
T&T
Comment by Jeff G. on 6/18 @ 1:20 pm #
He’s a Patron or Tres Generacions kinda shelled land lobster, T&T. Unfortunately, he has the pocketbook only for the kind of well tequila that can leave you in a fistfight with the cops over who really owns the roads.
Comment by Karl on 6/18 @ 1:20 pm #
Jeff,
I think I have the hardening nipple gif on my other computer; I’ll e-mail it to you later.
Comment by Benedick on 6/18 @ 1:25 pm #
“Hardening Nipples” was the default wallpaper on my HP 2510 with Windows Vista.
Comment by TimeandTea on 6/18 @ 1:25 pm #
JG,
At your recommendation, I have been reading Eco’s “Interpretation and Overinterpretation” with great delight. I plan to commit semiosis any minute now.
T&T
Comment by h0mi on 6/18 @ 1:42 pm #
It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?! You stupid monkey!
Comment by Big Bang Hunter (pumping you up) on 6/18 @ 1:45 pm #
“…and we wish to assure our audience that no waterfowl were injured in the making of this napkin poem…”
= Next weeks dinnertime movie will be a short video on: “Hardening of the nipples on free range duck SugarTitsâ„¢ – Root modernities and modern heuristic therapies – Duck milking for fun and profit”
Comment by TheGeezer on 6/18 @ 1:48 pm #
Ah, I recall the day my wife thought a glob of wasabe on her vegetarian sushi was a guacamole garnish. It was a good thing we were at home and not at the Thai restaurant. The running around and screaming were most disturbing.
Add by the way: wouldn’t duck-tit secretions be milk rather than sauce? Unless, of course, one is milking a heavily alcoholic duck.
Comment by The Lost Dog on 6/18 @ 1:48 pm #
Jeff,
Amazing! You wrote something on a napkin at a bar, and it was still kinda coherent when you woke up the next day?
Sir. I salute you!
I have written many songs on napkins at bars, and the next day, all I can think of is: “Good God! I hope nobody else saw this!”
Comment by N. O'Brain on 6/18 @ 1:49 pm #
“Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!â€Â
-Daffy Duck wielding the buck-and-a-quarter staff
Comment by happyfeet on 6/18 @ 1:56 pm #
Misidentified things are tricky cause no one really knows what they are except they think they do. You see this on CBS sitcoms a lot.
Comment by Carin- on 6/18 @ 2:00 pm #
Happy, I’m all over the soy sauce with sushi. I mix the wasabi in it until it forms a paste. Yum. I only eat the ginger when I’m all done,and wishing I wasn’t.
Comment by JHoward on 6/18 @ 2:09 pm #
Sushi makes me hungry. I only eat a half dozen soft shells from the Bell when I’m all done, wishing I hadn’t.
But I always denounce my racist self.
Comment by JHoward on 6/18 @ 2:10 pm #
Because of the soul food to go.
Comment by SarahW on 6/18 @ 2:14 pm #
I think the duck is symbolic or something.
I’ve heard it referred to as “being all out of hummus” in a different sort of restaurant.
Also idiom for having run out of energy/creative juices/duck sauce/jokes. I wonder if it derives from a 7th grade latin class.
Post molestam senectutem/ Nos habebit humus.
Comment by happyfeet on 6/18 @ 2:15 pm #
Oh. I might could try that. I love paste.
Comment by SarahW on 6/18 @ 2:20 pm #
The wasabi thingie…it reminds me of something I’ve seen before. I can’t think of what. I don’t usually mess with it. I’m a sushi coward. I can only eat the salmon ones anyway.
Comment by SarahW on 6/18 @ 2:20 pm #
JeffG, did she catch on that you wanted to bill her?
Comment by JD on 6/18 @ 2:21 pm #
happyfeet never struck me as being a paste-eater before.
Comment by SarahW on 6/18 @ 2:22 pm #
That was in poor taste I guess.
I’m all out of hummus.
Comment by JD on 6/18 @ 2:24 pm #
You don’t bill a duck, Sarah, unless it has been practicing its squeezing technizques.
Comment by kelly on 6/18 @ 2:25 pm #
nishi, on the other hand…
Comment by SarahW on 6/18 @ 2:30 pm #
JD – Now what would a duck be doing with a robogrip pliers and a set of barbeque tongs.
—oh crap. Don’t tell Alpuccino I said that….
Comment by JD on 6/18 @ 2:34 pm #
alppuccino just passed out.
I am fairly certain that happyfeet is not a paste-eater.
Comment by SarahW on 6/18 @ 2:37 pm #
Confession. I will eat that toothpaste-style caviar you buy at Ikea.
Comment by SarahW on 6/18 @ 2:39 pm #
You know, that pink stuff?
Comment by Ouroboros on 6/18 @ 2:41 pm #
Pardon me, said she –
a lank, fresh-faced gal in a lovely
flower print summer dress  but you
wouldn’t happen to have any
extra duck sauce would you?
Hideshi just smiled but said nothing,
Imaging how beautiful she’d be
As one of his guinea pigs
With a stunning necklace
Of red flowers around her neck..
Comment by Puck on 6/18 @ 2:51 pm #
“Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!â€Â
-Daffy Duck wielding the buck-and-a-quarter staff
As I recall, Daffy asked you not to tell anyone else about that.
Comment by happyfeet on 6/18 @ 2:56 pm #
Thanks, J.D. And that’s kind of true since I still have this tahini I got at the tiny little ridiculously boughie Whole Foods in Sherman Oaks last year after I think MayBee said something about it and I just don’t know that I’ll ever crack it. The lunch counter person upstairs is of some sort of Persian extraction and she makes awesome hummus, so even though I used to make it in college I don’t anymore ever.
That’s new to me, that Ikea caviar. I’m not an Ikea person yet. There’s this place on Ventura that redoes old Steelcase stuff and then charges a lot for it and I wanted some of that but then they started putting anti-Bush agitprop out front so screw them and now I have nothing in mind really, but I like stuff I don’t have to put together. My feelings about hummus and furniture are very similar in this respect.
Comment by happyfeet on 6/18 @ 3:03 pm #
I really wanted these shelves. If you give even more monies to the anti-Bush furniture refinishers they will fit it with as many shelves as you want and I was thinking it might be a good place to put dvds even if it might be too deep really for that, but then I could use it for something else after I finally got around to ripping them. Yes I’m avoiding putting a PowerPoint together for NG. Also how cool is this? But no way would I give these anti-Bush freaks $2500 like that. That’s just unconscionable. Ok even if they weren’t anti-Bush freaks. $2500 is a lot of Pop Tarts.
Comment by SarahW on 6/18 @ 3:31 pm #
Woo, HF, I like that too. A lot. It is very no-nonsense, masculine, Medical College of Virginia Toxicology lab ca.1985; it only wants phosphoresis gels and jugs of acetic acid.
I make a pilgramage up to Ikea about 2 or 3 times a year, About three hours of “looking for ideas” and gustavian fakes and something I could paint to look like a kakelugn, I’ve seen too much and everything looks too heavy and complicated to bother with. Aside from the odd set of beach dishes or comforter, I usually make it out of there with little more than a tube of caviar and some frozen meatballs. I used to know a swedish exchange student from malmo who got those tubes in her care packages and it makes me feel 17 again.
But I do like to look at this blog site called “Ikea hacker.”. I saw some pretty good industrial chic mods on there.
Comment by dicentra on 6/18 @ 3:40 pm #
soul food to go
Me, I like that song. It’s on the iPod and everything.
Comment by Andy on 6/18 @ 4:05 pm #
Why is it that people call it Westminister? It’s so bizarre that people around here (me live Denver area too) say that when that second “i” doesn’t even exist. Westminster.
Comment by happyfeet on 6/18 @ 4:05 pm #
oh. That’s a neat website. Hey what did you do today? I tiled my coffee table is never what I answer.
I forgot about that Soul Food song. I like that one too. I think. I remember thinking I liked that Lucas with the Lid Off song and I got the cd but turns out, nope, not so much really. Not sure why that happens so often.
Comment by Jim in KC on 6/18 @ 4:05 pm #
Which explains, more or less in a nutshell, why I quit drinking any sort of tequila.
Comment by SarahW on 6/18 @ 4:20 pm #
HF – I have to say, that is the worst grouting job ever. Hit or miss hacking, it’s neat to see what people will do. The best ones are when they find three table legs and salad spinner in the as-is room and make a robot lamp.
Comment by Jeff G. on 6/18 @ 6:39 pm #
Andy –
I grew up near a Westminister in MD. That’s probably why.
Comment by mojo on 6/18 @ 7:20 pm #
Hey, I once had a guy try to tell me that Lancastershire was pronounced “Lankashire”.
I shot him. Fuckin’ Limeys.
Comment by alppuccino on 6/18 @ 7:24 pm #
You’ve got a real bridge on The Starship Enterprise thing going there happy.
Comment by Hugh on 6/18 @ 8:58 pm #
The Happy Sumo in Westminster? That’s like a mile from my house… I had a near Jeff sighting! In that I’ve eaten at the Happy Sumo within the past month.
It’s not much, but it’s all I’ve got.
Comment by davis,br on 6/18 @ 9:13 pm #
eeeewwwwww.
Comment by Jeff G. on 6/18 @ 9:49 pm #
Sorry, guys, but drake milking deserves a sixtieth comment. Here it is.
Hugh –
Had no idea. Happy to meet you for a drink sometime.
Comment by Hugh on 6/19 @ 9:22 am #
Neither did I, I was under the impression (can’t say why exactly) that you lived down south.
And likewise.