April 7, 2008

red pills found beneath the sofa cushions, shorty 2

It’s one thing to take a clinically depressed ex-agency beet out for a couple drinks and Disney on Ice — either out of the goodness of your heart, or with the hope that a leggy, half-frozen chick in a twinkling foam Nemo head might take his mind off of Caspian Sea pipeline conspiracies, or (at the very least) keep him away from the Smack until that next manila envelope stuffed with government cheese comes sliding in through the secret mail slot you’ve punched into the sub-basement wall.

But it’s quite another thing to have that same fucking mopey beet misinterpret the gesture and — drunk on pomegranate daiquiries and career regrets — jam his rubbery tuber stem into your ear while you’re trying to tip the valet.

I mean, what kind of all night drugstore carries earwash capable of breaking through a sucrose orgasm, anyway?

Seriously, tell me. I need help over here.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 10:46am

Comments (68)

  1. ….I would say, judging from the condition of your tennis racket, that would be an af-firm-a-tive Ripley….

    ….but you needs the kind’a help you don’t often find north of Tijuana Sparky….

  2. Ewwwww…..

    OK, you’re gonna need some warm salt water and a bulb aspirator, the kind you use to suck boogers out of a little kid’s nose. Also, a chef’s knife and a cutting board…for the borscht.

  3. Jeff:

    Just don’t use this http://www.cnn.com/US/fringe/9602/02-28/ method.

  4. Jeff, you’ve g00gle suzerainship…what else could they do?

    My old grandfadder, MHRIP, always advocated blowing cigarette smoke in an ear for aches. Maybe the beet will post-coitally oblige.

  5. If he’s the same asshole that infiltrated Saddam’s palace in an Algerian beet salad and proffered the “slam dunk” intelligence on WMD’s, I hope he finds he’s way to a Cracker Barrel grater.

    Let your dog lick out the sucrose, but don’t get down on all fours.

  6. “…a sucrose orgasm”

    Just call him “Sweetie”.


  7. Dude, all I got it Q-tips.

  8. Oh, man, don’t you hate it when that happens?

    I must say I can’t compliment your judgment. Pomegranite daiquiris are redundant in sufferers of “tuber flush”, who react strongly to saccharine. The emanations from Disney on Ice would put even mild case over the edge before Minnie ever shows up. I mean, there’s enabling, and then there’s entrapment.

    Pablo and Salt Lick are both on the right page, although I personally would go out back and immerse my head in one of the horse troughs for the slow count of ten, just to loosen the crusts before showering. In the mare’s paddock, mind you. The stud has more than a bit of a sweet tooth and might react inappropriately.


  9. Jeff might want to make this sticky.

    The post, that is.

  10. Maybe it was a pathetic attempt at brainwashing — psyops wetwork. Or payback for the Disney troupe’s extraordinary rendition of “Boogie-Woogie Tuba.”

  11. I once found a red pill behind my sofa, and with visions of animated vegetables in mind quickly devoured it, only to find out that my life continued as normal, if perhaps with a bit more internal speed for a few hours. In hindsight, it might have been a Sudafed, or a button.

    Live and learn.

  12. Finding Nemo On Ice. Oh, the horror. You are lucky Satch is not one of the matriarchy, or you would be subjected to High School Musical 2 On Ice. My brain, it still hurts.

  13. Ack. Can’t get that image out of my brain, the beet sticking its root in my ear.

    Turnabout. Enjoy.

  14. Of course I’ve had it my ear before.

  15. “Finding Nemo On Ice.”

    He’s dead????

    Oh noes!

  16. All I can think of is a slurry of Dawn dishwashing soap and water, a toilet plunger and a 1-3/4″ firehose @ 150 psi.

  17. You really have to be careful around those root vegetables. A lot goes on under the surface.

  18. Hydrogen peroxide.

    It might not get anything out, but the bubbles tickle.

    I was going to suggest a power washer, but after what it did to my driveway…

  19. “Finding Nemo On Ice.”

    He’s dead????

    Oh noes!

    Is rice and nori involved? ‘Cause if so, I’m THERE, d00d.

  20. I think I’ll let this stand as a reminder of me.

    Armadillo: “We’ll always have Paris, TX, buddy.”

  21. comment deletion?
    im close to that banning aren’t i?

  22. I know this goes without saying, but WTF is nishi on about this time?

  23. from Dan’s link

    With the wax removed, the rest is just icing.

    Looks like those devilishly clever Chinese are adapt at removing sugar-waste. Check out your local Chinatown, Jeff.

  24. ….How could I forget….It was the day the Germans marched into Paris…

    ….Oh Rick…..I didn’t want to hurt you…but I had no choice….

    ….They wore grey, you wore blue angel…..

  25. I know this goes without saying, but WTF is nishi on about this time?

    Fixed that for you.

  26. I’d offer advice to your beet seed problem, but it might be theoconish in it’s nature and could contain references to “Jesus”, “The power of the LORD” or possibly even the number of cubits of wood specified for a beet sacrificing alter, so nevermind.

  27. What kind of all night drugstore carries earwash capable of breaking through a sucrose orgasm

    Maybe you could ask Sheena Easton. She might know.

  28. – nishi: Calm down. Get a grip. False alarm. Its just the equal opportunity spam filter doing its job in its usual reckless irresponsible manner…

    – Chill. You’re still not that special yet. We’ll let you know if it happens.

  29. yet


  30. And after the icing, is the cake-taking.

    An ear cleaner who’d been sitting quietly in the back pulled out an instrument that looked like a thick silver toothpick with a nub at the end. He stuck it into the corner of his eye, pushed it in a little and twisted it.
    Now, that is where I draw the line.

    Well yeah, me too. Even in college.

  31. BBH, why you wanna disillusion the ‘toon like that? If she decides she’s being persecuted and leaves, she gets to think she’s special, and we get to forget she ever existed.

    Sounds like a win-win to me.

  32. I suggest some of this, then get busy with an ice pick. Carefully.

  33. – Sorry guys. My motives were sincere.

    – I thought maybe if we gave her a cluebat we might avoid her usual 75+ comments about “What nishi did on her summer vacation”.

  34. Have you tried the little park at Arapahoe and 16th? If you can’t find something there that will help it’s probably not available.

  35. I would have held off had I known this was less sticky.

  36. I didn’t delete anyone’s comment.

    Man, I hate the internet. Hobbes was fucking dead on.

  37. I’m more of a Calvinist, myself.

  38. Ba doom boom.

    The internet sucks. Computers suck. But I think things would suck much more without them. Like, I’d have to find another way to make a living.

  39. Just coax it out in a dark room with a flashlight.

    Works good for gnats.

  40. Interestingly enough both Calvin and Hobbes would likely coach their argumentation in terms of Gods will. Theocons win again!

    In your face secular internet!

  41. Thank goodness computers suck.

    Otherwise I’d have to, you know, work for a living.

  42. “Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.”

    -Calvin & Hobbes

  43. The internet is my favorite. But it’s gotten so blurry is my only problem with it.

  44. Elton John gets weirder looking all the time, haps.

  45. Sorry to hear that you are a victim of global warming climate change weather, happyfeet. Do we need to consider a fund raiser for your cause?

  46. hmmm, my strike tags didn’t work.

  47. Yes, please. I can’t even tell my recycle bins apart no mores.

  48. I think it’s a feedback loop.

  49. OK, I just went and looked at the internet for a bit. Turns out it’s, like 90% porn. Which doesn’t really bode well for my claim of the secular internet receiving facials at the hands of theocons. Or maybe it does, only in a world in which words that used to mean one thing are subverted for use in sexy time.

    In any case, I surrender.

  50. Education Guy,

    the 90% porn thing probably has to do with you using the high school computers.

  51. Because it’s really like about 98% porn. The high school computers have filters on them.

  52. “Hobbes was right”

    Well, he had “nasty and beetish” down. And short, that goes without saying.

  53. .. you motherfuckers ready for this?
    Grab your crucifix, tell God Im coming for your juicy lips
    You’se a bitch, don’t let me run up in yo crib with the ruthlessness
    Bruising shit enough to hurt and pain Ill bring
    Think y’all pray for pun, nigga say my name
    I dont play those games, you picked the wrong nigga to fuck with!

  54. Man, I hate the internet.

    Yup, pretty much anything Al Gore had a hand in is not Scottish crap.

  55. Ha! My strikethrough didn’t work either. Imagine, if you will, a line through the words “not Scottish” above.

  56. hmmm, my strike tags didn’t work.

    Sometimes the magic works.. and sometimes it doesn’t. But with strike tags it mostly doesn’t.

  57. I remember hearing about the smoke thing too. It’s gone new age looks like.

    Ear candling is not a new fad. The Chinese candled, so did the Egyptians and segments of the American Indians and the Mayans. So candling has been around in various forms for thousands of years and has been used for different purposes, ranging from initiation rights of the Mayans to the American Indians blowing herbal smoke through straws into the ears for earaches. The anti-Viet Nam war crowd, the longhairs and the Flower Children all candled.

    ear worms?

    As of yet, we have not seen any candle with enough suction to lift earwax out of the ear, or to extract worms or fungi. We have yet to see any ear candle for human ears that will pick up even cigarette ash out of a sealed container (dram sized). So far as we can see, most, if not all, of our competition’s claims along the lines of sucking wax out of the ear are false. Earwax is softened by the heat of the smoke, not sucked out. We welcome any competitor or private individual who can scientifically demonstrate ear candle’s ability to suction wax from the ear.


  58. They always work for me. Maybe they just like me better.

    (And if the strikethrough in the above doesn’t work, I’m gonna be so pissed…)

  59. Silly hippies.

  60. I get ear worms.

    Usually a song by the Carpenters.

  61. Armadillo: “We’ll always have Paris, TX, buddy.”

    But, unfortunately, not an England, TX, which may be a problem in future. There is a Scotland, TX, but it may not be sufficient :-(


  62. I had an earworm this morning, and I shared!

  63. Armadillo: “We’ll always have Paris, TX, buddy.”

    That was Celluloid Wisdom dear friends.

    Come on back in bro’ Jeff. It’ll all come back to you real quick…


  65. “UR FUCKEN WEBSITE SUCKS NIGGER BALLS” <– This is hurtful and probably untrue.

  66. 55.Comment by mojo on 4/7 @ 1:34 pm #

    Well said and spelled perfectly !