“If elected President, my first order of business will be to do away with the prefix anti-. Because to me, in order to think positively, you have to surround yourself with the trappings of positivityness, in all of its forms. And to surround yourself with the trappings of positivityness — to immerse yourself in its warmth, to feel its reassurance along the finer hairs of your thighs, to really live it like a bomb, as my dear friends the Def Leppard might say — you have first to remove the tattered remains of negativityness that plague Hope’s interstate like so many moldering, bloodcaked possum carcasses.
“– And before anyone raises any objections, do know that ‘antiperspirant’ will of course be exempt from the prefix ban. I mean, I may be an idealist, but I ain’t some kind of crazy man.” — Barack Obama, address to the MLA convention, Chicago, Dec 28.
Comment by Russ on 2/26 @ 7:31 pm #
I had no idea he’d spoken at the Maritime Law Association convention. There must have been dozens of attendees.
That’s it, I’m all in for the O-man.
Comment by guinsPen on 2/26 @ 7:33 pm #
the scattered carcasses of negativityness that plague hope’s interstate like so many moldering possum remains
Mmmmmm, think I’ll pull over into the median and fire up the grill!
Comment by guinsPen on 2/26 @ 7:52 pm #
And not only is he Everyman, he’s Everyword, as well!
Comment by guinsPen on 2/26 @ 7:54 pm #
My Junior Senator, wrong or wrong.
Comment by JD on 2/26 @ 7:56 pm #
He is going to ban antibiotics! And antics. And anticipation. And antidepressants. And antidotes. And antimacassar. And antipasto. And antiques. And antivivisectionist. That fucker.
Comment by Dan Collins on 2/26 @ 7:58 pm #
Tupac Chopra.
Comment by Karl on 2/26 @ 9:06 pm #
MLA humor!
Dang, but we’ve missed you!
Comment by Karl on 2/26 @ 9:08 pm #
Though a very small part of that was not being able to access the site for the last couple of hours.
Comment by guinsPen on 2/26 @ 9:11 pm #
He’s bound to say something that’ll obamarang on him.
Comment by daleyrocks on 2/26 @ 9:20 pm #
Gives me a tingly feeling up and doen my leg, or that might have been my leg falling asleep from staying in a ctamped position for too long. Some times it’s tough to tell, I ain’t no Chris Matthews. At least we know he’s clean, articulate and won’t smell bad when he sweats.
Comment by TaiChiWawa on 2/26 @ 9:24 pm #
Diabolical. An anti-”anti” campaign.
Comment by Jeff G. on 2/26 @ 9:30 pm #
Of course. Simple math: two negatives make a positive.
And isn’t that what Obama is all about? YES WE CAN!
Comment by TaiChiWawa on 2/26 @ 9:32 pm #
Yeah! Right!
Comment by JD on 2/26 @ 9:34 pm #
But wait … I want to be an antivivisectionist.
Comment by apotheosis on 2/26 @ 9:37 pm #
Tupac Chopra.
I realize fawning praise marks one as criminally unhip in this company, but I love that.
Comment by Dewclaw on 2/26 @ 9:38 pm #
I draw the line at “anti-aircraft guns.”
TO THE BARRICADES!!!
Pingback by Jeff G. fills the spaces... on 2/26 @ 9:45 pm #
[...] …that I couldn’t quite get, to satisfaction. [...]
Comment by Pablo on 2/26 @ 9:54 pm #
This is gonna suck for my father’s sister.
Comment by happyfeet on 2/26 @ 10:01 pm #
Well, yeah. The Antichrist would make that the first order of business. It’s kind of a duh.
Comment by JohnAnnArbor on 2/26 @ 10:13 pm #
What about antiracism?
Comment by cjd on 2/26 @ 10:15 pm #
Anti-Zionism, like antiperspirants, will get a pass I think.
FOR TEH CONSISTENCY!!1!!
Comment by JohnAnnArbor on 2/26 @ 10:16 pm #
And antibodies. What about them? If he’s against antibodies, then he’s against vaccines. So then he’s anti-vaccine. Except that he can’t be, because of the prefix.
He’s anti-clarity. Can I say that?
Comment by CraigC on 2/26 @ 10:19 pm #
I hope he likes Rosalind Russell movies, because if he doesn’t he’s….wait for it…..anti-Mame.
Comment by B Moe on 2/26 @ 10:22 pm #
This is gonna suck for my father’s sister.
Hell, she might be your uncle now, dude:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/115397
Directions change in the new world!
Comment by JD on 2/26 @ 10:25 pm #
No more being anti-gleenwaldian. Anti-gobsmacking. Banned! Anti-loonwaffle? Banned.
Comment by JohnAnnArbor on 2/26 @ 10:26 pm #
Wait. No antifreeze. Not good.
Comment by Jeff G. on 2/26 @ 10:35 pm #
Without antifreeze, no cars. And so no pollution. And so no global warming. Earth is saved.
Obama does what even the lord our God cannot! Amen.
Comment by psycho... on 2/26 @ 10:40 pm #
I question the provenance!
If Obama were pandering to the MLA, he wouldn’t have said “positivityness,” but “positivicity.”
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 2/26 @ 10:40 pm #
wow im so glad jeff writing again.
delicious, lucious, succulent prose.
O is good for inspiriation, if nothing else.
:)
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 2/26 @ 10:41 pm #
hehe
O is Jeffie’s muse.
Comment by Jeff G. on 2/26 @ 10:47 pm #
Precisely why I suspect it of being apocryphal, psycho…
Comment by McGehee on 2/26 @ 11:05 pm #
Positivitude.
Dude.
Comment by easyliving1 on 2/26 @ 11:15 pm #
Does that mean all the movies and books that had “anti” in them will be banned too?
Because I think we should make an exception for Up In Smoke, where Chong’s old man says:
When, boy?
When…are you going to get
your act together?
(Burp)
Gross!
Oh, good God
Almighty me.
I think he’s
the Antichrist.
Comment by mojo on 2/26 @ 11:26 pm #
No cynicism! It’s outlawed in the New Obamanation!
HATER!
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 2/26 @ 11:27 pm #
jeffie i got a random emailin from a christian youthgroup.
it said O is the Anti-christ u know…its right out of Nostradamus and the leftbehinders.
do u think Mccain and the theocons can use that?
Comment by McGehee on 2/26 @ 11:35 pm #
McCain fraternizing with theo-cons? Would those be the Methodist/Presbyterian/Episcopal-type theo-cons, whose idea of creating a God-state on earth is replacing lotto with bingo?
Comment by Alcyoneus on 2/26 @ 11:40 pm #
ROFLMAO
Comment by JD on 2/26 @ 11:43 pm #
McGehee – By the time the general election rolls around, McCain will be a devout evangelical advocating for a theocracy.
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 2/26 @ 11:49 pm #
well…he doesnt have much choice does he?
he doesnt get the theocons on board he is pretty much toast.
Comment by Jeff G. on 2/27 @ 12:31 am #
He has more to worry about from people like me who don’t like statist progressives who happen to hold certain conservative opinions.
I always liked Ice Man better than Maverick. And Kelly McGillis seriously got on my nerves.
Comment by happyfeet on 2/27 @ 12:34 am #
Yeah well you’ll never say hello to you until you get it on the red line overload.
Comment by happyfeet on 2/27 @ 12:34 am #
Ok I don’t really know what that means.
Comment by thor on 2/27 @ 1:44 am #
Jeff paints fruit in striking watercolors using effortless strokes on his keyboard. He takes the breath away.
My words, by comparison, are stiff, ackward and wretched, as if I’m keyboarding-off with Mom in the room. He’s so Obamassianic.
Comment by The Lost Dog on 2/27 @ 2:23 am #
HOPE! HOPE! HOPE.
OOPS! I just fainted! Let me clean my diapers, and then I will continue…
OB makes me wish I was twenty two again because he is the candidate of HOPE! ((among some other reasons which are topped by my parents spoiling me rotten, and my having unlimited access to the Pony Club members).
And hope gives me a woody that just won’t quit. Forget the fact that this man is to the left of anybody in the last 1000 years, HOPE! HOPE! HOPE! (Faint, again).
My HOPE is that Uma Thurman will be waiting for me in my bed tonight, even though I would have to think long and hard (Wow! Is that a pun or what?) about what I was supposed to do with that stuff. But/And with OB, all things HOPE-ISH are possible!
Uma! Come to me tonight. Tomorrow, we can frolick with Cesar from Venezuela…
Comment by Sean M. on 2/27 @ 2:55 am #
This guy wants to be the leader of the free world and he can’t even get his Def Leppard lyrics right?
I think not.
Comment by thor on 2/27 @ 3:13 am #
We’re all just stick figures on Obama’s etch-a-sketch. The funk soul brother is large and in charge.
He’s the Man. Swallowing it can be hard, but, as Gramma said of the spoonful of caster oil, “ya gotta.”
It’s only politics. Besides, Barack’s a street baller, he knows you have fade away to shoot over the top from 20-foot out, but when the game’s on the line in the last seconds – nobody drives the lane for a cheap and easy. He’s good.
Comment by RiverC on 2/27 @ 6:39 am #
Oooooo theocons! We bite!
Comment by nishizonoshinji on 2/27 @ 7:13 am #
omg!
O said in the debate he wud have questioned the Schiavo bill on the floor!!!!!!!
/nishi strikes her heart with closed fist in power salute
My life for yours! Command me!
Comment by serr8d on 2/27 @ 7:58 am #
Nishi!
In one post you pro-comment progressing the hopefulness of non-useful ‘non-sentient cell clumps’, as research tools to salve humanity.
here you would sever the Schiavo without taking the time to check for remaining soulfulness.
Given time, your ‘non-sentient cell clumps’ would become, well, soulfull. Because your religion/idea of progressing to earn a soul is bullshit.
You have a soul, you are born with a soul, or you are an animal, like the rest of the earthen biological cell clumps that live and die in short life spans, purposeful only as meals for stronger order consumers. Our separation from those, are souls.
I claim mine.
Comment by Slartibartfast on 2/27 @ 8:04 am #
anti-matter?
We’d see a release of approximately 2 gigatons of TNT on exposure to real matter. Sounds like something we’d want to avoid.
Comment by N. O'Brain on 2/27 @ 8:07 am #
“# Comment by CraigC on 2/26 @ 10:19 pm #
I hope he likes Rosalind Russell movies, because if he doesn’t he’s….wait for it…..anti-Mame.”
I like how people around here remember the Mame.
Comment by Rob Crawford on 2/27 @ 8:10 am #
And people wonder why Obamamania makes me uncomfortable.
Q: After striking your heart with your fist, did you throw your hand up and out, palm open, at a 30-degree angle?
Comment by Slartibartfast on 2/27 @ 8:13 am #
Sounds kind of familiar.
Comment by serr8d on 2/27 @ 9:33 am #
Before Nishi starts wrenching on fresh (possibly soulfull) zygotes, practice on teh ASCR, no?
Comment by mojo on 2/27 @ 10:57 am #
HE IS RISEN!!
Comment by Major John on 2/27 @ 11:23 am #
I wake up from an alert at 1:30am (all clear sounded 10 damned minutes later….grrr.) and needed some hopeitudiness. I thought of my state’s junior senator and, lo, I am safe! All that changitivity must have deflected the mortar rounds in flight!
“Of course. Simple math: two negatives make a positive.”
This reminds me of the time the linguistics professor tells his class that in languages such as English, a double negative is a positive, whereas in Russian, a double negative is still a double negative. But in no language, he says, is a double positive a negative – to which a student in the back of the room replies “yeah, right”…
Comment by Major John on 2/27 @ 11:25 am #
uh, “still a negative” in the above joke. Good to see I haven’t lost my mistyping skillz.
Comment by J. Peden on 2/27 @ 11:59 am #
JD: By the time the general election rolls around, McCain will be a devout evangelical advocating for a theocracy.
Just to keep up with Obama?
Comment by TaiChiWawa on 2/27 @ 12:18 pm #
If one opposes Obama, that makes them anti-anti-anti; that is, pro-anti . . . or is it anti-pro?
Comment by McGehee on 2/27 @ 12:43 pm #
Now you’re upping the anti.
Comment by JD on 2/27 @ 12:55 pm #
J.Peden – Nope, just in the way he is portrayed. It is starting already. His grace period has expired.
Comment by Jeff G. on 2/27 @ 1:00 pm #
I think he’d have been better off to ban “quasi-”. Makes a statement, but leaves a lot of words of useful stuff in play.
Yet another reason I could never vote for the guy.
Or maybe I have no choice. YES WE CAN!
Comment by moe howard on 2/27 @ 1:10 pm #
“A monopoly on the means of communication may define a ruling elite more precisely than the celebrated Marxian formula of ‘monopoly in the means of production.’ Since man extends his nervous system though channels of communication like the written word, the telephone, radio, etc., he who controls these media controls part of the nervous system of every member of society. The contents of these media become part of the contents of every individual’s brain.”
– Hagbard Celine, “Never Whistle While You’re Pissing”
Comment by Rob Crawford on 2/27 @ 1:13 pm #
BECAUSE OF THE HUNCHBACK!!!
Comment by TaiChiWawa on 2/27 @ 1:20 pm #
I don’t know about a quasi-ban but how about something like a quasi-ban — a quasi-quasi-ban.
Comment by McGehee on 2/27 @ 1:31 pm #
Maybe he could enact a “ban” on “quasi” that isn’t really a ban — a pseudo-quasi-ban.
Comment by JD on 2/27 @ 1:31 pm #
I am soooooooooooo anti-quasi.
Pingback by If we criminalize fissile material, only fissile material will be criminals. Or some such. on 2/27 @ 2:02 pm #
[...] Maybe he shoulda just stuck to the whole anti-”anti-” [...]
Pingback by word of mouth - Goldstein on 2/27 @ 9:03 pm #
[...] a recent post: Apocryphal Obamolies, 1 “If elected President, my first order of business will be to do away [...]
Comment by ccs on 2/28 @ 12:14 pm #
Wow, if he does away with ‘anti’ he’s no longer the anti-christ, he becomes the christ!
Pingback by Tennesseefree.com » Updated, using Devilish ‘imagery to address’ Obama on 2/29 @ 9:00 pm #
[...] (And it’s possible that Obama may well be the anti-) [...]
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