November 5, 2007

protein wisdom: the update (or, red pills found behind the sofa cushions, tentative itinerary)

I’ll be back posting later this week from the YAF leadership convention (which happens to correspond with Freedom Week). Look for the liveblogging to begin Thursday late, or Friday early.

Meantime, because my mother-in-law will be flying in from Utah to watch Satch while my wife and I are busy stealing hotel towels from Fess Parker’s Doubletree, I’ve been hard at work getting the place cleaned up, which involves not only dusting shelves, cleaning bathrooms, and steam cleaning dolphin love stink out of the Berber carpet, but also figuring out where to hide all the contraband.

So far, I’ve been able to work out a convincing disguise for our marijuana plants — I’ve dressed them in little pointy hats and beards so that, to the untrained eye, they should easily pass for garden gnomes — but I’m having a more difficult time with the paranoid ex-agency beets, who think this whole trip west is part of an elaborate black ops setup to have them hit, their smack-ravaged bodies then peeled, sliced, pickled, canned, and stuffed into the pantry, forever hidden in plain sight.

They seem to forget that were it not for the monthly government subsidy checks I get for keeping the crazy fuckers holed up in my crisper, we’d still be trying to get baked-on grease out of casserole dishes with a low-end Whirlpool dishwasher — instead of the gleaming stainless steel KitchenAid with high temperature rinse and Powerscrub™ technology the compensation for their safehousing made possible.

— But then, nobody said dealing rationally with a bunch of burned out cold war beets would be easy.

Which is why, incidentally, I’ve taken up Krav Maga — along with weekly classes in grappling and muay thai. Because I’ll be damned if I’m going to wake up one morning dead because some freaked out tuber finally lost his shit and decided to initiate a sweep and clear (which, unless I miss my guess, would involve going from room to room, slicing shit up with a monstrously modified immersion blender and one of those gadgets you use to core apples).

Now should any of them try anything, I know seven ways to kill them with just an elbow. Which I suspect might give them pause.

They’re crazy and paranoid, sure. But they aren’t suicidal.

Posted by Jeff G. @ 1:32pm
79 comments | Trackback

Comments (79)

  1. Your mother in law doesn’t bring her own stash?

  2. We are looking forward to hearing about the YAF conference, or as the Norwegianistism would call it, the Hitler Youth Conference.

  3. Do we even dare ask how one gets “dolphin love stink” on a berber carpet?

  4. The best way to hide marijuana plants is to put a label on the pots that says “Dizygotheca elegantissima, False Aralia.”

    She’ll never know the difference.

  5. That’s the shit, Jeff. Nicely done.

  6. Do we even dare ask how one gets “dolphin love stink” on a berber carpet?

    Start with at least one dolphin. And to get it out, try club soda.

  7. YIKES!!

    Jeff lives! We do miss your wisdom (even if it if the “protein” sort).

    Just wondering if you happened to catch the show “Language does not lie”. I don’t remember which channel – History, NGC, etc. – it was on.

    The blurb said: “A diary chronicles Nazi subversion of language as a means to thought control”.

    Hmmmm…

    Sounds familiar. You didn’t, by any chance, have anything to do with this show?

  8. “Do we even dare ask how one gets “dolphin love stink” on a berber carpet?”

    Letting them get busy in a paddling pool in the living room is always a bad move, I mean those blow holes can spray mamalian juices over a wide area. I make ‘em watch their Tuna porn in the hot tub, cause at least you hose the backyard down after.

  9. Good thing you don’t have any eggplants. Those are really tricky vegetables, especially the really dark ones. I wouldn’t trust one as far as I could throw it or want to be alone in a dark room with it.

    That’s just me, though.

  10. Pablo – Congrats. I still hate Bellicheck.

  11. Good thing you don’t have any Norwegianists. Those are really tricky people, especially the really dark ones. I wouldn’t trust one as far as I could throw it or want to be alone in a dark room with it.

    There, fixed that for ya’

  12. I saw Dolphin Love Stink at the Funkinpumpkinpapalooza in Circleville, OH.

    They absolutely jammed on “Jazz Odyssey” but it is never recommended to riff on a free-form jazz exploration in front of a festival crowd.

  13. I saw Dolphin Love Stink at the Funkinpumpkinpapalooza in Circleville, OH.

    Oddly enough, that was the name of one of my brother’s girlfriends, back when he was in high school.

    I didn’t know she’d moved to Ohio.

  14. “I know seven ways to kill them with just an elbow.”

    Ah yes, the elbow. It’s like the lead pipe that you can always carry with you.

  15. Which is why, incidentally, I’ve taken up Krav Maga

    Which is great, if your attacker happens to be armed with a banana. Or other fresh fruit, I suppose (such as the passion fruit, oranges, apples, grapefruit (whole and segments), pomegranates, greengages, grapes, lemons, plums, mangoes in syrup, and cherries, both red and black)…

    But not raspberries. For those, you have to release the tiger.

    http://www.jumpstation.ca/recroom/comedy/python/banana.html

  16. Welcome back, Jeff. I was thinking about you this past week while I was attending a conference in Denver. I was going to write for suggestions on where to eat and get a good beer–but the “Cyber Cafe” at the Grand Hyatt costs approximately $10,000 per minute!

    So, I just stumbled up and down the 16th St. Mall looking for armadillos.

  17. Regarding those burned out cold war beets, don’t deny them their destiny, turn them into the borscht they were meant to be. What you do with the borscht we don’t need nor want to know.

    BTW, white wine will get practically anything out of the carpet.. except white wine.

  18. Freedom Week!!! What a great week to yoke yourself back up to the blog! That, my friend, is kismet. You should get donuts or something.

  19. YEA! Jeff’s back. I mean, he will be back.

    And, I’ve found a dog I want. Everything is coming back together :)

  20. And to get it out, try club soda.

    A little club soda’ll get ANYTHING out.

  21. So, I just stumbled up and down the 16th St. Mall looking for armadillos.

    Should have checked out the little park on 16th & Market. You probably could have found someone there who’d sell you an armadillo.. Or anything else you might be looking for.

  22. Re: the plants. Get some of those little styrofoam balls and some green pipe cleaners. Paint the balls red, put them on the pipe cleaners and hang them on the plants. Voila! Instant “chinese tomato plants”…

  23. A little club soda’ll get ANYTHING out.

    Could I try it on my worthless neighbor? How much do I need?

  24. There is a distinct shortage of armadillos ’round these parts.

  25. But then, nobody said dealing rationally with a bunch of burned out cold war beets would be easy.

    uh oh… I hope you didn’t show them the pic of the naked lesbian carrots I sent you

  26. “I saw Dolphin Love Stink at the Funkinpumpkinpapalooza in Circleville, OH.”

    Oddly enough, that was the name of one of my brother’s girlfriends, back when he was in high school.

    Your brother’s girlfriend was named “Funkinpumpkinpapalooza”? Was her last name Zappa?

  27. carrots that eat themselves make bunnies superfluous

  28. First, sprinkle some bong water over that Dolphin Love Stink.

    I’ve never had much luck with getting the bong water smell out though.

  29. “But then, nobody said dealing rationally with a bunch of burned out cold war beets would be easy.”

    These beets.

    Any of them from…Harvard?

  30. Dolphin Love Stink

    Lordy, Calvin Klein will sell anything.

  31. Re: the plants. Get some of those little styrofoam balls and some green pipe cleaners. Paint the balls red, put them on the pipe cleaners and hang them on the plants. Voila! Instant “chinese tomato plants”…

    Come. mojo you know better than that. Any experienced pothead will tell you that the balls have to be painted green so that she won’t be tempted to pick them! Sheez!

    Damn late bloomin’ hippies…[mutter]

  32. 26. Comment by scooter (not libby) on 11/5 @ 3:21 pm

    I’ve since learned that I was remembering incorrectly. Her name was Fuckinpumpinplopalooza.

    And her last name was, in fact, Dolphinlovestink. How’s that for a coincidence?

  33. daleyrocks – You have never really lived until you accidentally take a drink of bong water.

  34. Is this thing still eating comments ?

  35. Hmmmm… guess not , wtf ?

  36. A little club soda’ll get ANYTHING out.

    Could I try it on my worthless neighbor? How much do I need?

    Enough to cover his head should do it.

  37. Damn late bloomin’ hippies…[mutter]

    Up yours, pops. And no, I don’t want to hear about how you once met Kerouac, again

  38. mojo – Peace, bro. Make Love not War.

  39. JD – Been there done that, along with a lot worse things I’m not fessin’ up to that happened early in the morning after a beverage or two. Now it’s good morning, God, instead of GOOD GOD, IT’S MORNING!

  40. daleyrocks – I knew a guy in college (I swear it was not me) that would fill his bong with Absolut, and then drink the bong water ON PURPOSE before going out for the evening.

  41. Ever snort Jack Daniels?

  42. No, but you just made another White Chocolate Mocha come flying out my nose.

    And, I will save everyone the effort. I know it is a pansy girlie drink. I do not give a flying fuck. Enrique over at the coffee shop makes these perfectly, and they are an absolute delight.

  43. …they are an absolute delight.

    Is the D for Dumbledore, by any chance?

  44. My Java Monster still writes to a White Chocolate Mocha he met in prison.

  45. happy – Who was the husband and who was the wife?

  46. I’ve dressed them in little pointy hats and beards so that, to the untrained eye, they should easily pass for garden gnomes

    But without a pet skunk, or a black cat with white rally stripes on its back, will they pass the smell test?

  47. I only know what the Java Monster says of course, but to hear him tell it, the White Chocolate Mocha was indeed a delight.

  48. Well, I’m relieved. Now I can quit luring cartoons into the alley and whacking them over the head with a cast-iron pan.

  49. I’ve dressed them in little pointy hats and beards so that, to the untrained eye, they should easily pass for garden gnomes

    But without a pet skunk, or a black cat with white rally stripes on its back, will they pass the smell test?

    Just tell her a skunk got into the garden the day before she got there.

  50. You guys have accused me of everything except being a faggot like the Gleenwalds. I do not care if I deserve it. NTTAWWT

  51. Not at all, just that your White Chocolate Mocha might have tendencies is all.

  52. No man would call a drink “an absolute delight” unless it was made with Absolut.

    Not that there is anything wrong with that.

  53. Okay, so that sounded kind of faggotty

  54. And to get it out, try club soda.

    I’ve found that a sufficient number of layers of duct tape can solve almost any problem which involves things moving. In this case, you can exploit its gas-trapping properties, just like the Apollo 13 crew.

    As a wise man once said, if it moves and it’s not supposed to, use duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it is supposed to, use WD-40.

  55. As a wise guy once said, if it moves and it isn’t supposed to, use a gun. Bring lots of your friends with guns.

    I asked him about dolphin love stink and he was no help at all.

  56. Comment by Dan Collins on 11/5 @ 4:51 pm #

    Dan? I like your obvious attempts to bait certain, um….reality based persons. Keep it up as the troll bashing around here has been a little boring lately…

  57. I always thought the phrase was, “Don’t force it, use a bigger hammer”

  58. “So, I just stumbled up and down the 16th St. Mall looking for armadillos.”

    AW, c’mon Cowboy.

    We all know what you were really looking for…

    If you were stumbling, in my experience, I don’t think it was armadillos that you were looking for.

    But, just for the record – did you find anything?

  59. Comment by Carin on 11/5 @ 2:27 pm #

    “YEA! Jeff’s back. I mean, he will be back.

    And, I’ve found a dog I want. Everything is coming back together :)”

    How did you do that? I keep finding dogs that I DON’T WANT! And then I frickin’ marry them! Go figure…

  60. Hey, LEAVE JD ALONE!

    Seriously, dude. White Chocolate Mocha?
    What’s your attitude towards quiche?…

  61. McGehee: if it doesn’t move, and it is supposed to, Hoppes No. 9 works almost as well as WD-40. Quite a bit more spendy, though.

    JD: If it doesn’t fit, force it. If it breaks, oh well, the fucker didn’t fit anyway.

  62. Tell your mouthy paranoid beets to shut their freakin whiney-assed pie-holes..They’re as bad a the freakin Cubans..Dont discuss business on a public blog.. Jeezuz didn’t anything they taught them at the farm stick?. If we wanted them dead they’d be wearing a Libby’s label right now..Egomaniacs.. Who do they think they are, Jack & freakin Bobby ?

  63. DolphinLoveStink… Wasn’t that an early grunge band in Seattle in the late 80’s ? Their front man OD’d and they replaced him with Eddie Vedder.. You don’t have to worry about getting them out though.. they’ve pretty much sucked for the last 15 years.. They’re on their last leg.. Next stop for them, State Fairs, Casinos.. High School Reunions..

  64. “Freedom Week”

    Well turn it up man.

  65. Does andy think that we will bother with clicking on his off topic links ?

  66. Who is this guy, and how did he get the keys to post here?

  67. I clicked on one of the quotes at the top left of the P.W. homepage, and I would recomend visiting it. The blog is called “the journal of doubt,” which I’m sure you can google quick. It starts off with a nice post about this dude Mat’s uncle, then leaves ABSOLUTELY no doubt about what an evil country America is (we “destroy” the lives of “billions” by forcing them into “bondage” because we like “cheap shit”) using the word “hubris” way, way too much. After reading a couple of posts, I realized the only way this can end it by Mat attacking me personally repeatedly with ad hominems, and it’s all so easily refuted I decided to delve into the fray anyway. Here’s what I posted:

    “Free trade, after all, flourishes better under a totalitarian state than any other form of government.” (Mat Sheck)

    So, free trade is flourishing in North Korea? And not in America (sematics with regards to “democratic” and “republic” aside)?

    Thought experiment: put together a list of all the totalitarian regimes who’ve flourished with regards to free trade, and all the democracies that have not seen free trade flourish.

    Is the title of your blog referring to the readers’ doubt of your seemingly impossible lack of self-awareness with respect to your use of the term “hubris?”

  68. JD

    “off topic….”

    Topic? There’s only one topic in the original post?

    I’m way further behind than I thought.

  69. Hmmm…you will be near LA just in time to be a scab writer.
    Plus, Leif Garret was on the Today show today, plugging his comeback CD.
    We need you. Hollywood needs you. Your mother in law doesn’t need you so very much.

  70. As a wise guy once said, if it moves and it isn’t supposed to, use a gun. Bring lots of your friends with guns.

    That wouldn’t have been a fella by the name of OJ, would it? If it is, he’s had much better luck with knives.

  71. I’m still trying to figure out how the beets do the smack.

  72. See, now, that would have been funnier if I’d said, “How beets do smack.” Comedy Writing 101.

  73. This post may very well be the funniest thing I have ever read. I missed you more than I thought, Jeff.

  74. ” Comment by easyliving1 on 11/5 @ 11:10 pm #

    I clicked on one of the quotes at the top left of the P.W. homepage, and I would recomend visiting it. The blog is called “the journal of doubt,” which I’m sure you can google quick. It starts off with a nice post about this dude Mat’s uncle, then leaves ABSOLUTELY no doubt about what an evil country America is (we “destroy” the lives of “billions” by forcing them into “bondage” because we like “cheap shit”) using the word “hubris” way, way too much. After reading a couple of posts, I realized the only way this can end it by Mat attacking me personally repeatedly with ad hominems, and it’s all so easily refuted I decided to delve into the fray anyway. Here’s what I posted:

    “Free trade, after all, flourishes better under a totalitarian state than any other form of government.” (Mat Sheck)

    So, free trade is flourishing in North Korea? And not in America (sematics with regards to “democratic” and “republic” aside)?

    Thought experiment: put together a list of all the totalitarian regimes who’ve flourished with regards to free trade, and all the democracies that have not seen free trade flourish.

    Is the title of your blog referring to the readers’ doubt of your seemingly impossible lack of self-awareness with respect to your use of the term “hubris?”

    Jeebus! WTF?

    I hate to throw stones, but I’m pretty sure that you are drunker than I am.

  75. “Not at all, just that your White Chocolate Mocha might have tendencies is all.”

    JD, if you really love the WCM’s, just take some preemptive measures to make them look not-so-confirmed-bachelory:

    1. Use an old phillips screwdriver as a stir stik, (better if you find one that the dog chewed the handle).

    2. Transfer the WCM to a more manly vessel, say, for instance, the skull of the last Norwegian you killed. (sorry Swen)

    3. In a pinch, take a drink of the coffee and then add the WC by lipping the milk steamer.

    Hope that helps!!

  76. “No man would call a drink “an absolute delight” unless it was made with Absolut.

    Not that there is anything wrong with that.”

    Are we still ceding polsyllabic praise to the sodomites? Bugger.

  77. “daleyrocks – I knew a guy in college (I swear it was not me) that would fill his bong with Absolut, and then drink the bong water ON PURPOSE before going out for the evening.”

    use cheap tequila and call it a “Mexican Overdrive”

    It’s in my 1975 edition of “Mr. Boston’s”, I swear.

    –off to save others!

  78. Now that you’ve taken up Krav Maga, consider taking up Mossberg.

  79. Disguise and deception. I’d be a nervous beet, too. One of the garden gnomes could be a mole amongst the tubers.

Leave a Reply